Tag Archive | "Roma"

Jose’s Punch Out


F*ck the introduction today. JOSE MOURINHO ALLEGEDLY PUNCHED A MANCHESTER UNITED FAN. REPEAT. JOSE MOURINHO ALLEGEDLY PUNCHED A MANCHESTER UNITED FAN. When I was watching the match yesterday I thought he looked a little disheveled. But apparently that was just the tip of the iceberg. Not only is he not special anymore, he’s a common street brawler.

Surprisingly, there’s other news today.

As much as Thierry Henry tried to kick racism out of football, it seems the campaign just isn’t taking off in the boot shaped land. Didier Drogba has claimed his was racially abused by Juventus supporters during their match in Turin on Tuesday. I normally would make a joke but racism isn’t funny.

Of course racism isn’t limited to Italy, as Everton’s Victor Anichebe can attest. The Toffee striker was looking in a jewelry store window when police mistook him for a jewel thief. They released him after confirming he’s not a thief but just a crappy player. (There’s the joke.)

Now back to those friendly Italians. A minibus carrying a group of Arsenal fans en route to their match against Roma at the Stadio Olimpico was hijacked by a bunch of ultras. One supporter was stabbed, but fortunately was OK. Swift to act UEFA, after threatening to move the Champions League final from Rome if there were any violent episodes in Rome before then, have decided the show will go on as planned. Considering the final will likely feature an English team and the recent history of violence against English teams in Italy the past few years, I’m sure nothing will go wrong.

Speaking of hijacking, a Gulf War hero pilot was fired from his job for breaking anti-terrorist laws by letting a Premiership player ride in the cockpit with him. The real crime is that the player was Robbie Savage.

Sepp Blatter knows all about bureaucracy. The FIFA president, long accused of being anti-English, stated he actually likes English football. He also admitted he enjoys human error, so maybe he just likes everything and everyone.

Another man who enjoys the English is Barcelona manager Pep Guardiola. Instead of facing Porto or Villarreal in the next stage of the Champions League, he wants one of the four remaining English clubs. That’s good news for Frank Lampard, who wants nothing to do with Liverpool in the next round.

It’s also good news for Wayne Rooney. The Manchester United striker would love to face Liverpool in the next round. It appears that he’s less than fond of the Reds.


Posted in Steve Martin, What's Going On?Comments Off

It’s Been Emotional


Emotions are running high as spring approaches and clubs trophy aspirations are vanishing into thin air like so much of the Drunk’s marijuana smoke. On this Tuesday, the papers are filled with emotional people and I have to say that it makes me happy to know that one of our favorites, ‘Facts’ Benitez, leads off today’s roundup.

He sure is trying to squeeze all he can out of that miracle 2005 Champions League victory. Yesterday ‘Facts’ ranted that Liverpool doesn’t get enough respect. I guess he doesn’t realize that making deep runs in the Champions League (like every other English club that qualifies), while being out of the Premiership title race by January, isn’t all that impressive. Of course you can’t expect a man who gets punked at his own press conference to have a clue.

Another person fed up with getting kicked around is Cristiano Ronaldo. He’s also having trouble controlling his anger at the situation. Of course if he didn’t spend the first few years of his career falling down like a drunken toddler, his offenders wouldn’t get away with it so easily.

Theo Walcott apparently wishes he had the same problem. Lil’ Theo recently went on record saying that he hopes he gets ‘clattered’ by Roma in Wednesday’s Champions League match. I don’t think he’ll be saying that when his 90 pound self gets knocked out with yet another injury when his prayers get answered.

Speaking of someone who knows a good kicking when he see it, Roy Keane and Niall Quinn are going to hold a clear the air talk about Keane’s abrupt departure from Sunderland. No word if the talks are going three or five rounds.

Niall Quinn might need to clear the air with striker Djibril Cisse as he is becoming increasingly annoyed with his contract situation. On loan from Marseille, Cisse is itching to make the move permanent and wants the situation to be resolved sooner rather than later. I understand his pain, in this economy a man wants to know where his hair dye is coming from.

Another man who knows his way around a hair salon, Dean Windass, has claimed that he wasn’t at the pub when Oldham got into a recent brawl on a team bonding session. He dares you to find an overweight Eminem look-alike on any of the pub’s CCTV cameras. Besides, he was too busy trying to find Phil Brown to have fought one of his teammates.

All joking aside, let’s end the column on a positive note, and it’s not John Terry getting back on the horse and practicing penalty kicks again. The Luton U-11s recently beat Bayern München’s squad to take home the Aarau Masters, billed as the most prestigious under-age indoor tournament in the world. At least something good happened for Luton this year.

Posted in Jason Parker, What's Going On?Comments Off

Time for Takeoff


I think that I’m suffering from motion sickness. And it’s not from being overserved on a much needed luxury cruise vacation. It’s from all the speculation about who’s going, who’s coming and how they’re getting there. Today’s headlines have more talk of arrivals and departures than a train station PA system.

Will he stay or is he leaving? No, we’re not talking about David Beckham, but Rafa Benitez. The ‘fact’ man’s contract saga continues to dominate the headlines, with the latest news having him leaving Anfield by the weekend. At least all the talk distracts everyone from talking about how Liverpool has blown yet another chance at the Premiership title.

Meanwhile, the Special One doesn’t have any troubles leaving the San Siro. Apparently the news of Jose snubbing Alex Ferguson after yesterday’s Champions League matchup was much ado about nothing. According to Mourinho, the San Siro dugout has a secret door that leads from the pitch to the dressing room. In other news, Rafa is asking for an ejection seat at Anfield.

In other Champions League news, Kolo Toure was booked for coming on the pitch without permission at the start of the second half against Roma. It seems Toure has a superstition that he must be the last one on the pitch. He also revealed that he plays with ten rabbit’s feet in his boots.

Over at the Riverside, Gareth Southgate is trying to go back to a time when Middlesbrough weren’t so crappy. Or at least a time when they could at least score goals. In an attempt to boast his club’s confidence, he has compiled a video of his players scoring goals. The good thing is that the video didn’t get in the way of training as it only lasted three minutes.

At least it’s heart warming to know that Nicklas Bendtner doesn’t need any confidence boosting. After flubbing a half dozen chances yesterday against Roma, the every minute man was still able to feel good about his performance. The note in his lunch box from his mother also confirmed that assessment.

Posted in Steve Martin, What's Going On?Comments Off

It’s About Time


There’s only one thing on my mind today. Champions League. After waiting what seemed nine years for the knockout stage, it’s finally back. And what fun it brings. Italy vs. England. Sir Alex vs. The Special One. Arsene’s young boys vs. the aging non-wonders of Roma. Oh, and Lyon get to lose to Barcelona. And on some obscure network, Atlético Madrid take on Porto. Without further ado, let’s get to the rundown.

Darren Fletcher’s European trip isn’t off to the greatest of starts. Shortly after departing for Milan, his girlfriend and her mother were robbed at knifepoint by burglars who broke into his home. I guess that all the Liverpool players were at home that night.

While that may be an unfortunate incident, it isn’t getting in the way of the war of words between the managers. In yesterday’s well attended press conference, Jose Mourinho claimed that United’s tactics aren’t up to par with the Italian league. He then reiterated his desire to return to England so that his tactic of relying on a Drogba dive for a penalty can be successful again.

Arsenal’s trophy cabinet hasn’t been added to in some time, but top man Arsene Wenger fully believes that glory isn’t that far off. Of course, he seems only to be saying it to convince Cesc Fabregas and Robin van Persie to stay. Now seriously, what will it take to get you in this Hyundai today Mr. Fabregas?

But Arsene shouldn’t worry if he loses all of his best players before they can shave. Natural Hat Trick has found a replacement player that should fit in his budget. And now, there’s just that matter of our finder’s fee Mr. Wenger.

And what would delusional visions of grandeur be without an update from Anfield? This time, it’s Dirk Kuyt turn to serve up the Liverpool Kool-Aid. The Dutch anti-hitman believes that a win over Real Madrid can jumpstart the Reds dying BPL title hopes. And he still leaves teeth under his pillow.

Of course, some hallucinations can be both weird and comical. In a recent tell-all interview, Paul Gascoigne admitted to talking to and going out for drinks with fake parrots. He didn’t say if he met them at a Jimmy Buffet concert.

For what it’s worth: Gary Lineker thinks his ears stick out.

For what it’s worth, part two: David Beckham thinks his move to Milan is close to being completed.

For what it’s worth, part three: Both of these things are of little interest to me.

Posted in Jason Parker, What's Going On?Comments Off


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