Thank G*d! After weeks of the new season being dominated by the various ‘Gates’, we’ve got stories of all varieties today. People leaving, people throwing tantrums and some people’s deity status in decline. It’s like a great episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta or at least Real Housewives of Orange County.

Let’s start in Argentina where the national team and its legendary coach Diego Maradona are in more than crisis mode. Juan Sebastian Veron, he of the red card in last Wednesday’s loss to Paraguay, has sounded off against Maradona, blaming him for Argentina’s struggles. Meanwhile, it seems the stress is getting to the 1986 World Cup hero, reports have Maradona checking into a weight loss clinic in Italy. Why do I get the feeling that Maradona won’t be in charge of the Albicelestes for the last two qualifying matches?

Don’t expect Liverpool to go all Manchester City with their newfound shirt sponsor riches (surprising, eh?). Owner Tom Hicks claims that, financially, ‘they have never been stronger.’ He also calls City’s method of operation unsustainable. That might be true if they weren’t backed by an oil sheik, and I don’t see him running out of money any time soon. Unless, of course, everyone starts driving solar cars in the next ten years (sound of muffled laughter).

In other Liverpool news, UK betting house Paddy Power has scrapped a plan to place odds on which Reds’ house will be broken into next. Just in case you care (and I know you do), Jamie Carragher, Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres were the favorites at 12/1 odds.

It looks like Hull City’s in serious financial trouble. And it not just the cost of Phil Brown’s spray-on tan that’s to blame. Of course the club denies it. But we did see chairman Paul Duffen slipping into a Paddy Power and placing ten grand on Steven Gerrard.

On the subject of betting, German betting site mybet.de has released its Bundesliga managerial hot seat odds—FIVE WEEKS INTO THE SEASON! It wouldn’t be so sad and funny if two managers haven’t already left their clubs. Talk about results now.

I was beginning to think he had mellowed since moving to Italy, but Jose Mourinho is back (unfortunately Special 1 TV isn’t). The Special One has told England national team manager Fabio Capello he ‘knows nothing about football.’ If only we could see them fight it out in puppet form.

Let’s give the Harraby Athletic under-14 squad a big round of applause. The youngsters beat the Edenvale Hawks 3-2 to put an end to a small 90 game losing streak they’ve been on. No word if Alan Pardew was managing the club during the streak.

In some other feel good news, 24-year-old Danish footballer Christian Nielsen has quit football to travel the world and work in an orphanage. The life change came after witnessing teammate Jonathan Richter struck by lightning during a match in July. I wish him luck for such a bold move.

It’s Dr. Paul Morris, of the University of Portsmouth, to the rescue. The good doctor is an expert on the embodiment of emotions and intentions and claims to know when a foul is a foul and a dive is a dive. He calls the number one tell the ‘Archer’s Bow.’ Well now that that’s been settled, I’m sure we won’t see another dive in a competitive match.

And yes, we will end with the latest coming out of ‘Manu-Gate.’ Arsene Wenger continues to rip Mark Hughes for defending Adebayor. I find this hilarious considering the Frenchman has been known to vigorously defend his own players, sometimes even going as far as claiming temporary blindness.

As we discussed last week, this young season has been full of controversy. First, we had ‘Eduardo-gate’ (now resolved), then ‘Kiddie-gate’, and now ‘Manu-gate’. Yes, I am over-using the ‘Gate’ thing, but can you over-do something that’s so overdone? And if you can, I don’t care, adding ‘Gate’ to things is fun to me.

In case you didn’t notice this weekend, ex-Arsenal and current Manchester City ‘star’ Emmanuel Adebayor took on his former team. And let’s just say that he had a full game. He scored a goal, kicked ex-teammate Robin Van Persie in the face and taunted the Arsenal fans with his goal celebration. And for all of this, he’s facing some serious suspensions. This story has it all, Adebayor is confused by all of the furor over his actions, manager Mark Hughes defends his player’s actions, Van Persie doesn’t accept Manu’s apology and even Roy Keane has given his two cents. La Liga might have the world’s top players, but the BPL has all of the drama. F*ck the new Melrose Place, this is must see TV.

In non-face stomping Arsenal news, Andrei Arshavin has put a gag order on his wife’s loose lips. Just thought you’d like to know.

Good news for Liverpool fans. After reporting on Liverpool ending their sponsorship agreement with Carlsberg, the club has reached an agreement with Standard Chartered Bank for an astounding £80m for four years. Word is the deal will enable the club to build their long rumored new stadium and even buy a player or two. Why do I think neither of these things will happen? Oh, right because it’s the Hicks and Gillett run Liverpool.

Roman Abromovich isn’t one known to be shy to splash the cash, but apparently all the money in the world won’t help you tackle Mount Kilimanjaro. After reportedly suffering from altitude related sickness, Chelsea has released a statement refuting that. Why they felt the need to do so, I have no idea. But in a world of 24-hour news coverage, ‘Altitude-gate’ is a story.

In some more money-related news, English clubs have pocketed nearly twice as much Champions League money as Spanish sides over the past six seasons. In fact England’s ‘Big Four’ hold the top four places among all Champions League clubs. Now those are some figures to make one dizzy, and then distribute a press release saying that you weren’t.

The best thing about the football season is that there’s never a dull moment. There’s the optimism that comes with the start of a new season. The bittersweet middle when good teams separate themselves from the squads whose seasons haven’t gone as planned. And then there’s the end, perhaps the most exciting time of them all. Either your team is fighting for glory (hopefully) or trying to stay up (d’oh), either way it’s a non-stop roller coaster ride. The end of the season also brings talk of the upcoming transfer season. When bums can be shipped out, and better ones brought in. Or if you’re Middlesbrough, you fend off other clubs who are trying to poach your best players.

There’s no club in the world that loves transfer talk like Real Madrid. And while their courtship of Cristiano Ronaldo continues unashamedly, ex-coach Bernd Schuster wasn’t in favor of the decision to bring the wainker to the Bernabéu. He thought Madrid needed more than one player, and it seems Iker Casillas more than agrees with him. Actually, the keeper is calling for a ‘complete overhaul.’ That should help team unity down the stretch.

Ex-Real Madrid player and current Manchester City bust Robinho has not only pissed off Mark Hughes, it’s been reported that his teammates are also fed up with his attitude. I couldn’t see this coming when they signed a player Pele called ‘crazy’ and literally cried his way out of Madrid. At least Mark Hughes shouldn’t be around next season to deal with him.

It looks like Daniel Agger is out at Liverpool. A day after admitting that his trust issues with ‘Facts’ Benitez have stalled his contract negotiations, Barcelona is said to be interested. Who knew he was any good?  I mean, he lost his starting place to Martin Skrtel.

Take that Emmanuel Adebayor.  Others may have been impressed by last week’s wonder strike, but Villarreal midfielder Marcos Senna isn’t one of them. Not only is he not impressed, he goes on to basically say that Adebayor can’t even sniff Thierry Henry’s jock strap. So there.

Now that the pesky business of qualifying for the big dance has been put on hold for a couple of months, we’re back to league football. But the memories and injuries of the past ten days are still fresh in our minds—and in the sports pages.

One story that has carried on far too long is Frank Lampard’s assertion that today’s younger players are too pampered. And while his cousin Jamie Redknapp agrees with him, PFA chief Gordon Taylor and England U-21 captain Nedum Onuoha most certainly don’t. Can’t we reach a compromise and conclude that everyone who plays football professionally is overly compensated and cleaning a few boots isn’t going to change anything.

In another story that perhaps you might have heard about, Mr. Newcastle, Messiah #2, Alan Shearer is returning to save Newcastle. But like most deities, his stay is only for a short time. That’s not good news for Michael Owen, who said he would definitely stay at the club if the Great One (#2) returned as manager.

Poor Mark Hughes. It seems the only time he or Manchester City make the headlines something bad has happened. And this time isn’t any different. England’s most expensive signing Robinho was injured during Brazil’s 3-0 win over Peru yesterday. I’m sure he’ll probably have to stay in Brazil a little while longer for some beach therapy.

Former Manchester United teammate Steve Bruce can feel his pain. His two Egyptian internationals, Mido and Amr Zaki return to Wigan in full health, but with unhealthy feelings about each other. It seems while away Mido accused Zaki of spreading rumors about him. Hopefully it doesn’t carry over onto the pitch, unlike certain German internationals.

In case anyone cares, ‘Facts’ Benitez was going to quit Liverpool before signing his new contract. But then he got his way and a bag full of money, and he gets to remain comedic fodder for this website.

Just because. Indian conglomerate Tata has denied interest in becoming Manchester United’s shirt sponsor. Maybe they want be splashed across the chest of one of the new Women’s Professional Soccer teams. Seriously folks, I’ll be here all week.

Robinho enjoys some down time.

Robinho is the Alfred E. Newman of football. From the looks of it, you couldn’t tell he’s had one of the most tumultuous seasons in recent memory. But I’m glad that he’s making the most of his international break. Of course I’m not Mark Hughes. But Sparky has nothing to worry about, because regardless of what the pictures may show, Robinho’s completely committed to Manchester City.

They don’t let me normally do a Daily Thought, but I think that’s because I rarely wake up before three in the afternoon—which they claim is too late to do this column. But since St. Patrick’s Day is the only holiday I celebrate, I’ve been up early and I’m full of corned beef, Guinness and, of course, the great Jameson whiskey. So normally these pansies do a cute intro to their little news rundowns, but the Drunk says “F*ck that.” Here’s my intro: Why the f*ck are you reading this column and not drunk off your ass?

I can respect Alex Ferguson not wanting to talk to the Press after getting his ass handed to him by that fat bastard Benitez and Liverpool on Saturday. It was such an ass kicking that even Professor Wenger came to his defense.

Meanwhile, Mr. Too-Good-For-England, but apparently not good enough for Spurs, Roman Pavlyuchenko has been dropped to the reserves. I just love it when a man’s ego gets handed to him in a lady’s handbag. He might look drunk but Harry Redknapp knows a crap player when he sees one.

Speaking of other foreign pretty boys not cutting it in the Premiership, it seems Mark Hughes has run out of patience with Robinho. Hughes is threatening to bench him in favor of Martin Petrov. And he thought riding the pine at Real Madrid was insulting.

Of course crybaby strikers don’t just ply their trade in the Premiership. He might be too old to be great, but David Trezeguet isn’t too old to throw a tantrum when being substituted. I don’t understand wusses who complain when the get subbed off with ten minutes to go when they didn’t do sh*t the first eighty. Guess that’s why the Drunk was a hard ass (aka dirty) holding midfielder.

At least there’s one forward in this column that isn’t whining. Aston Villa’s Gabby Agbonlahor hasn’t scored in seven matches and was booed during their last match, but has vowed to win back the fans by scoring. Go figure, a well-compensated player taking responsibility and not blaming others. What is the world coming to? Gabby you are now a Drunk favorite. Congratulations.

It’s Thursday, that cruelest of days. My brain is completely frazzled from the work week and I can almost taste the weekend and all the whiskey that comes with it. Unfortunately, there’s still that matter of making it through Friday. Thankfully today’s news from the world of football is a wonderful cornucopia of animal therapy, questionable fashion choices and dodgy decision making. It’s the perfect antidote for my end of the week blues.

Paul Gascoigne should have been a veterinarian. Yesterday, we reported that when the Gazza was at his worst he spoke to and drank with fake parrots. Today, the Crying One tells how talking to horses helped him get over booze. He didn’t mention if the horse helped the parrots.

Nicklas Bendtner isn’t the only one pretty in pink at the Emirates. Keeper Manuel Almunia, he of the bleached blond locks, was spotted yesterday walking his dog with a pink leash. The pup was also kept warm by a little pink jacket. I just hope that it was his girlfriend who dressed the dog. And for that matter, I hope she’s the one that talked him into that stupid haircut.

Meanwhile, Blackburn striker Jason Roberts has been accused of hitting a teenage Coventry fan after their FA Cup loss to the Sky Blues. There hasn’t been any comment from Big Sam yet, but I’m sure he’s wondering where that fighting spirit was on the pitch.

Don’t get me wrong, going after a fan is unacceptable, but it’s less detrimental to the team than battling your teammate. North London’s favorite defensive duo is at it again. Reports have been circulating that William Gallas and Kolo Toure have never and will never enjoy each other’s company. Maybe Gallas doesn’t understand why Toure wants to be the last one on the pitch when it’s obviously better to be the last one to leave.

Chelsea’s other Ivory Coast striker, Salomon Kalou, has expressed his desire to join the Gunners. Not only does he enjoy the way they play, he also has many friends on the squad–including Kolo Toure. Maybe he can bring some of that Chelsea team spirit with him.

Sparky Hughes sees team bonding differently. He’s actually encouraging his Manchester City team to shout at each other. He claims the team is too quiet and needs to be more like Craig Bellamy. Next on the City training regimen is golf club duels at dawn.

While we’re on the subject of fighting, what would a Manchester United trip to Italy be without their fans being attacked by a group of angry Italians? Rome and Milan might not see eye-to-eye on many things, but they both agree on the best way to shank a Manc.

From the it’s-as-obvious-as-an-elephant-in-your-kitchen department, Newcastle managing director Derek Llambias told a fan forum that they’re building for the future. Considering that their recent past and present have been pretty much shit, that’s probably the best way to go.

If they need a player to jump-start the Toon revolution, it’s safe to say that Julien Faubert might be available soon. The winger, who moved from West Ham to Real Madrid, hasn’t been able to get any game action since his move to Spain and doesn’t understand why. If I must be the one to say it, I will. IT’S BECAUSE YOU SUCK. Thanks for listening Julien.