Tag Archive | "Harry Redknapp"

Beach Balls And Nightclubs



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leedsbeachball

While I’ve been recovering in my sick bed from my recent accident, people in the football world seem to be having, um, well, a ball. But it’s not just unnamed Liverpool supporters (who might want to follow my lead and drop out of sight for a while) who have embarrassed themselves, some of the games elder statesmen have also been found looking foolish. (And I’m not talking about you Rio Ferdinand.) So for those who have missed it, the Daily Thought rundown has returned.

I’m not going to get into the whole beach ball debate or make another ‘life’s a beach joke’ (besides I already did that on Twitter), but it seems the lads at Leeds United haven’t had enough of it. And I’m pretty sure Liverpool should be more than ready for a Beach Ball Blanket Bingo party at Anfield this Sunday.

On the subject of Club Crisis, Daniel Agger makes the ‘no-shit’ observation of the week by announcing that Liverpool isn’t the same side without Steven Gerrard. To quote Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler, I ask ‘Really?’ As if anyone who watched Sunderland completely outplay them without Stevie G didn’t notice that.

Last season after more than a few nightclub incidents involving his players, Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp issued a nightclub ban. I guess old Harry won’t be too happy to see these pictures of Peter Crouch and Jonathan Woodgate busting moves (if you can call it that) on the dance floor late last Saturday night.

At least those two young men were able to get into the club. After being denied entrance into a nightclub Cheltenham manager Martin Allen (on the job all of one month) decided to racially abuse the bouncer and challenge him to a fight. Not exactly a good way to endear yourselves to the club staff or your employers. The 44-year-old wannabe party boy has been suspended from his job until further notice.

Perhaps with his time off he can call up former English legend Paul Gasciogne. Gascoigne—who’s no stranger to drunken outbursts—has gotten himself into further trouble by head butting a bouncer at a Newcastle snooker club. (I assume that’s a fancy pool hall.) Maybe these two old timers should just take a cue from Crouchy and Woody and just learn to enjoy themselves on the dance floor.

Happy Birthday, Arsene Wenger. The Arsenal manager turns sixty on Thursday and claims he wants to be in football until he dies. And I’m sure you won’t see the football focused manager celebrating his special day at a nightclub. Actually, it’s a lot lamer than that. He plans on a dinner with the wife and exciting Europa League action. I’m sure the wife can’t wait. I can picture her calling Mad Dog and Gazza to see what they’re up to that night.

I’d like wish a fond farewell to Sweden and Celtic legend Henrik Larsson. The 38-year-old has decided to hang it up November 1. If only I could tell him how much I enjoyed his career in person.

It’s also the end for legend in name only Dean Windass. If only I could tell him in person how much I enjoyed making Windass jokes.

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Let The Games Begin



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tevezbinky

A weekend that saw Barcelona, Inter Milan and Manchester United all wrap up their domestic leagues wasn’t all confetti and fireworks. For some it was sour grapes and for others it was a kick out the door.

‘Facts’ Benitez has been in a war of words with Sir Alex Ferguson all season, so it should be as shocking as another female celebrity claiming to be bi-sexual that he wasn’t going to be the first to congratulate the Manchester United manager on the club’s BPL title. In fact he won’t congratulate him at all, instead he will just say ‘job well done.’ Stay classy Rafa.

In case anyone cares what he thinks, Liverpool’s sh*t midfielder Lucas can’t stand the sight of United winning the league as well.

Another shit midfielder, David Bentley has been shown the door by Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp. It seems Harry isn’t too impressed with Bentley’s return of two goals in thirty-four appearances for the club. At least the gaffer likes the young man, which can’t be said of Russian flop Roman Pavlyuchenko. After being subbed off this past weekend, he stormed right past the manager and straight down the tunnel. While Cristiano Ronaldo may be able to get away with such actions, a no-name Russian striker can’t. Too bad somebody didn’t tell him.

A bad attitude has cost striker Amr Zaki his place at Wigan. After a series of run-ins with manager Steve Bruce over the past season, Wigan has decided to not make his loan move permanent. Like Pavlyuchenko, it appears Zaki acts like he’s better than he is. Not a smart move for someone who hasn’t scored since December.

So long Carlos Tevez. The hard-working Manchester United player has made it pretty clear how he feels he’s been treated by the club. Claiming his new contract has nothing to do with money, but respect. This is shaping up to be an ugly breakup. Let the summer games begin.

On the subject of gamesmanship, Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has dropped his strongest hint yet that he might be ready to leave the Emirates. Speaking on French TV, Wenger left the door open to a shocking move to Real Madrid. After Arsenal’s defensive play this season, he should feel right at home with the matador defense Madrid played this year.

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Egg On Your Face



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eggonface

You know how people say literally when they actually mean figuratively? Like when somebody says, ‘I literally just sh*t myself?’ Or when you embarrass yourself and you figuratively have egg on your face? Well Rangers defender Kirk Broadfoot actually ended up with egg on his face when some microwaved eggs exploded in his face. Just like those ‘This Is Your Brain On Drugs’ commercials tried to warn us, eggs are dangerous.

Cristiano Ronaldo figuratively ended up with egg on his face this past weekend when he threw a temper tantrum after being subbed off against Manchester City. After a stern talking to by teammates, the Ricky Martin fan issued an apology to the kitman he treated so rudely. I’m sure that’ll be the last time he’ll act like a spoiled child.

Perpetually egg-faced thug Joey Barton spent his week finishing up that pesky community service he was forced to serve for attacking former teammate Ousmane Dabo. I’m sure that’ll be the last time he’ll step out of line.

To keep his players from, well, getting egg on their faces, Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp issued a nightclub ban at the club. I’m sure that’s the last time we’ll see a Spur out at 3:45 am.

After yet another trophy-less year at Arsenal, Arsene Wenger decided to hit back at the fans and blame them for his team’s lack of success. Turning your fan base against you is always a good idea. Especially when you admit that they might be right.

Liverpool captain Steve Gerrard, another person who knows about coming up short declared 2010 will be the best year of his life. Captain Everything declared that he’ll win both the Premiership and World Cup next year. Bold predictions. I hope he doesn’t end up with egg on his face.

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Did Jermain Get The Memo?



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No drinking problem at Spurs.

No drinking problem at Spurs.

Less than a day after Harry Redknapp instituted a drinking ban at Tottenham, striker Jermain Defoe was caught leaving a nightclub looking a little less than sober. At least he has Paul Gascoigne in his corner.

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There’s No Crying In Football



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Is his Spurs' future in doubt?

Is his Spurs' future in doubt?

Not content with making an ass of himself outside a nightclub this past Sunday night, Ledley King further embarrassed himself by crying and pissing himself after being placed in a jail cell. Harry Redknapp has declared a ban on drinking after the incident, but perhaps he should ban infantile behavior as well. At least Spurs seem to be taking his misdeeds seriously. After a week in which Nicklas Bendtner made a fool of himself outside of a nightclub, Lily Allen, G*d forbid, might be correct about the nature of footballers.

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Difference Of Opinion



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different

They say there are two sides to every story, and the truth lies somewhere in the middle. Or in the case of most things that are reported in the football world, there’s no truth at all. But that’s what makes it fun. Unlike watching Guus Hiddink’s Chelsea warriors ‘stifle’ Barcelona.

Are they or aren’t they going to be the biggest club in the Championship? That’s the question hanging over Newcastle’s heads these days. If you ask Legend #2 Alan Shearer, the answer is that they’re not going down. But Michael Owen isn’t so sure. The Premiership will miss you Toon Army.

Martin O’Neill doesn’t mind a little competition. Unlike many in England, the Aston Villa boss thinks that Celtic and Rangers joining the Premiership is a good thing. After finding out how hard it is to crack the top four, you think he wouldn’t want to add to the degree of difficulty.

Speaking of difficult, it must be hell to be Andrei Arshavin. First, he has to convince his wife to live in that terrible city of London, while making millions of pounds in the process. And now he finds out that his Arsenal teammates are jealous of him. I guess it’s hard being the king. And for Mikael Silvestre, it’s hard letting go of the past. At least they should be safe from bird flu.

What’s with the love fest between Alex Ferguson and Arsene Wenger? Through the years the two have had a less than warm relationship, but now they can’t say enough nice things about each other. At least Karl-Heinz Rummenigge has some harsh words for the Professor of the Emirates.

Mea culpas all around at Tottenham. Not that it should make Jermaine Jenas any happier, but referee Howard Webb has admitted he was wrong to award Manchester United a penalty over the weekend. And Harry Redknapp has apologized for pretty much calling Darren Bent a woman earlier this season. Better late than never, eh Darren?

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Love And Happiness



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algreen2

‘You be good to me, I’ll be good to you…Walk away with victory.’ Al Green sang those lyrics in his classic song ‘Love and Happiness.’ If I didn’t know he was talking about loving his lady, I’d think he’s singing about footballers. How many times do we hear players talk about being happy at their clubs or how they can feel the love from the fans? Then more often than not they take the money and leave.

Alan Shearer is known for his willingness to speak his mind, and he wasn’t shy in sharing his displeasure with Obafemi Martins’ last minute withdrawal for Saurdurday’s match against Stoke. While some are reporting it to be the end of Martins’ career at Newcastle, others are saying it’s no big deal.

Over at Old Trafford, we won’t have to worry about wunderkind Federico Macheda becoming too big for his britches. It seems everyone from captain Gary Neville to backup goalkeeper Ben Foster will make sure he knows his place. And if that doesn’t work, he’s always free to feel the wrath of Fergie. But he’ll have to wait in line as Cristiano Ronaldo is the latest to displease the boss man. And he’s attempting to piss off Porto as well.

While much is being made about the future of Roman Pavlyuchenko at Tottenham, apparently all he has to do to make Harry Redknapp happy is learn English. After seven months in England, the Russian hasn’t learned any English at all. I don’t understand all the fuss, a lack of English hasn’t kept Harry Redknapp from a successful English career.

Looks like Franck Ribery is Barcelona bound. At least that’s according to Bayern München teammate Mark van Bommel. And I’m sure that’s the last we’ll hear about Ribery leaving Bayern this summer. I wonder if Franck’s getting as upset at all the transfer gossip as David Silva?

Good for John Terry. While he might never get over missing that penalty kick in Moscow, he says he and the rest of Chelsea have finally gotten over Jose Mourinho. It’s all about Guus Hiddink at the west London club these days and they want him to stay. And it looks like Mother Guus doesn’t have much choice in the matter.

What would a derby day in Rome be without a little butt slashing? I think those Ultras definitely could use some love and happiness.

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Zen And The Art Of Football



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zen2

Psychiatrist and influential thinker Carl Jung once said to a patient, ‘Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.’ Don’t mean to be all Zen, but it’s a rare moment when a young, unbelievably wealthy football player takes a moment of self-reflection. Of course we know that’s not what going on in the papers today. They’re just talking the time to speak highly about themselves and poorly about others. But you have to admit, it’s a good quote.

One man who could use a good psychiatrist is Adriano. After issuing a statement yesterday that he was, in fact, very much alive, he’s now decided to take a break from football. According to his Brazilian doctor, the situation has been on ‘knife-edge’ for some time. I’m sure the nightclubs of Brazil are the perfect place to clear one’s head.

At least Cristiano Ronaldo doesn’t have any worries about keeping his head on straight. That’s because he has ‘honest’ Alex Ferguson to keep him in line. Speaking about his retirement the old straight shooter also admitted that Jose Mourinho or, can you believe it, Arsene Wenger would be a good choice to succeed him. And no, he didn’t mention ‘Facts’ Benitez as a possible successor.

I don’t think Lassana Diarra would agree with Sir Alex that Arsene Wenger would make a good replacement. Lass claims that Wenger taught him nothing and that he has blacked out his time with the Gooners. That’s good, because most of the Arsenal fans have tried to do the same.

I guess it’s that outspoken confidence that Harry Redknapp liked about Lass at Portsmouth. The Spurs boss claims that chunky Tom Huddlestone could be the next Glenn Hoddle, but he needs to be louder on the pitch. Let’s just hope that as he finds his voice he doesn’t become too much like Hoddle.

This can’t be a good sign. Messiah #2 Alan Shearer is finding out that life as a manager is a very time consuming job. And they thought he had the managerial acumen to keep them from relegation. There’s nothing like placing your hopes in the hands of someone learning on the fly to ensure disappointment. Wow, that was almost Jungian.

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Cry Me A River



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baby

They don’t let me normally do a Daily Thought, but I think that’s because I rarely wake up before three in the afternoon—which they claim is too late to do this column. But since St. Patrick’s Day is the only holiday I celebrate, I’ve been up early and I’m full of corned beef, Guinness and, of course, the great Jameson whiskey. So normally these pansies do a cute intro to their little news rundowns, but the Drunk says “F*ck that.” Here’s my intro: Why the f*ck are you reading this column and not drunk off your ass?

I can respect Alex Ferguson not wanting to talk to the Press after getting his ass handed to him by that fat bastard Benitez and Liverpool on Saturday. It was such an ass kicking that even Professor Wenger came to his defense.

Meanwhile, Mr. Too-Good-For-England, but apparently not good enough for Spurs, Roman Pavlyuchenko has been dropped to the reserves. I just love it when a man’s ego gets handed to him in a lady’s handbag. He might look drunk but Harry Redknapp knows a crap player when he sees one.

Speaking of other foreign pretty boys not cutting it in the Premiership, it seems Mark Hughes has run out of patience with Robinho. Hughes is threatening to bench him in favor of Martin Petrov. And he thought riding the pine at Real Madrid was insulting.

Of course crybaby strikers don’t just ply their trade in the Premiership. He might be too old to be great, but David Trezeguet isn’t too old to throw a tantrum when being substituted. I don’t understand wusses who complain when the get subbed off with ten minutes to go when they didn’t do sh*t the first eighty. Guess that’s why the Drunk was a hard ass (aka dirty) holding midfielder.

At least there’s one forward in this column that isn’t whining. Aston Villa’s Gabby Agbonlahor hasn’t scored in seven matches and was booed during their last match, but has vowed to win back the fans by scoring. Go figure, a well-compensated player taking responsibility and not blaming others. What is the world coming to? Gabby you are now a Drunk favorite. Congratulations.

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Pointing The Finger



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sampoint

John Greenleaf Whittier said, “Each crisis brings its word and deed.” My uncle had a more common way of putting it. He just said, “Put up or shut up.” As the football season hits the home stretch, it’s put up or shut up time for clubs around the world. Some people can’t do either; instead they keep talking and blame others for their predicaments. We call them footballers.

Sam Allardyce is attempting to take the focus off of his club’s relegation battle by calling Everton’s Tim Cahill “clever” because of his ability to avoid getting called for fouls. That’s a word that’s obviously never been used to describe Big Sam’s longball tactics.

Over in North London, Luka Modric doesn’t enjoy Cristiano Ronaldo’s antics on the pitch. Claiming that English football is a “masculine” game, he doesn’t see where Ronaldo’s theatrics fit in. Those are bold words coming from someone who still shops in the children’s section.

Sounds like Luka could use a drink, unfortunately Harry Redknapp has banned all booze at Tottenham. Looking like a man who well knows the inside of a pub, I think he just wants to have more to himself.

Of course not everyone is a greedy bastard. Look at poor David Beckham. He’s ready to pay his way out of his contract to stay at Milan. Luckily for the man that AC Milan coach Carlo Ancelotti recently called better than Kaka, he’s got a few bucks to spare. And pounds, euros and yen.

Dean Windass, a man without the money of Becks but a far catchier name, has quit Oldham. The Old Windy One has decided it’s better to ride the pine in the Premiership than in League One. He’s right though. The seats are a lot more comfortable at the Emirates than at Boundary Park.

Unlike Windass, Karl-Heinze Rummenigge is a man who doesn’t give up so easily. For the 101st time this month, he states that Franck Ribery isn’t leaving Bayern München this summer. He also says that a club can’t force a player to stay if he doesn’t want to play for a club. He then goes on to say that he really doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Let’s end this column with news of the apocalypse. TITUS BRAMBLE HAS BEEN CALLED A TOP-NOTCH DEFENDER. You may now kiss your loved ones good-by and wait for the end of time.

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