Tag Archive | "Everton"

Thank God That’s Over



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jonhheitinga

Everton's big signing?

In a rather unexciting end to the summer transfer season (Johnny Heitinga to Everton!) it only seems proper that today’s news is a little lacking in excitement as well. But it’s the news roundup and it’s what we do at Natural Hat Trick. Don’t forget to follow us on Twitter to get more of our wonderful ramblings.

In the great diving case of 2009, Arsenal vow to appeal striker Eduardo’s two match Champions League ban. That shouldn’t come as much of a surprise considering they’ve spent the better part of a week saying that they would. The real shocker here is that Scotland and Sunderland keeper Craig Gordon says diving is worth it if it can advance you in a major tournament. Maybe Arsene Wenger should take Gordon with him to the UEFA offices when they go for their appeal. And I’m sure Mr. Gordon has endeared himself to his fellow keepers with those remarks.

On the subject of goalkeepers, David James, the only decent Portsmouth player not allowed to leave the club, is worried that playing for relegation fodder Pompey will hurt his chances of being England’s number one keeper in South Africa. In a move that I can only believe will make James feel worse, chief executive Peter Storrie has told James that instead of worrying about England, there’s plenty of competition at Pompey he has to worry about. I’ll bet that James won’t take it too kindly that the competition he should be worried about is Asmir Begovic, Antti Niemi and Jamie Ashdown. I can see David shaking in his boots as we speak.

One Portsmouth player who did manage to escape the sinking ship, Niko Kranjcar, has announced he is not at Tottenham to replace the injured Luka Modric. That’s strange since no one mentioned him going to Spurs until after Modric broke his leg.

In other overconfident news, newly acquired Sylvinho has announced that Manchester City teammate Robinho is one of the five best players in the world. He claims that City’s summer signings have surrounded the striker with better players that will help him shine. Funny, I thought the Real Madrid team that Robinho was forced out of had some fairly decent players.

And we end with some ‘where are they now’ news. Former Paris-Saint-Germain and Newcastle star David Ginola has been charged with being a deadbeat father in France. He’s facing hefty fines and a two year prison sentence. He, of course, denies the allegations. Looks like he better hope they make a Finding Nemo 2 so he can make a little extra cash.

Posted in Jason Parker, What's Going On?Comments Off

Rumors And Excuses



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no-excuses

Who’s going where and what went wrong? At this time of year, players who suffered disappointing years are trying to find homes for next season, while managers whose clubs didn’t quite finish where they wanted are making excuses as to why. If the beginning of the season is like the start of your freshman year of college when you had plans of a 4.0, then this is like the end of freshman year when you’re explaining to your parents why you’re on probation and you should be allowed to go back for your sophomore year.

He hasn’t been mentioned on this site in a while, but no one makes more excuses than ‘Facts’ Benitez. Last week he said he couldn’t win the league because he doesn’t have the transfer funds of the other members of the ‘Big Four.’ Well this week the reason they’re finishing runner-up is that Fernando Torres was injured most of the season. If excuses where titles he’d be up to his double chin in them. And be sure you don’t call Liverpool a defensive club.

Maybe the ‘Fact Man’ should take a note out of his cross town rival’s book. Everton’s David Moyes has probably one-eighth of the transfer budget of Liverpool, but that hasn’t stopped him from competing for the FA Cup trophy this season. According to Moyes, it comes down to his private investigator tactics when scouting players. Can’t you just see him sitting outside a player’s house with a pack of smokes, thermos of coffee and a pair of binoculars?

Too bad he didn’t use his powers of investigation to see that Louis Saha would spend more time in the trainer’s room than on the pitch this season. But the black Michael Owen claims he has more to give next season. And he’s not talking about hamstring injuries.

Yesterday we wished a fond farewell to Steve Coppell who resigned as Reading manager saying he needed a break. We speculated that he wouldn’t be out of football for long and reports today are saying that he has been offered the job of Premier League Head of Youth. See, sometimes we are on the right path.

Who says you can’t go home? AC Milan don’t want him and Chelsea refuse to take him back, but Dynamo Kiev are ready to welcome Andriy Shevchenko home.

At least Andriy has a suitor. His fellow AC Milan flop Ronaldinho’s agent has admitted that he’ll be looking for a new club this summer. Insisting that his client wishes to remain in Europe, I can’t imagine any big time club taking a change on the former World’s Greatest Player. Two years ago who would have thought that these two former heavyweights would be begging for work? At least they’re still good on EA Sports FIFA ’09.

Posted in Jason Parker, What's Going On?Comments Off

A Red Card For Swine Flu



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Mexican footballer Hector Reynoso of Chivas was recently sent off in a Copa Libradores match for coughing in the face of Sebastian Penco of Chilean club Everton. In these days of swine flu, a Mexican coughing in your face could be called threatening behavior.

Posted in Steve MartinComments Off

Once A Blue, Always For Roo



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Wayne as a young blue.

Wayne as a young blue.

According to The Sun, if pregnant wife Coleen pops out a boy, Wayne Rooney plans on raising him as an Everton supporter. Not sure how that will go down in the Manchester United dressing room, or with the Toffees who haven’t forgiven him.

Posted in Steve MartinComments Off

Jose’s Punch Out



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tyson

F*ck the introduction today. JOSE MOURINHO ALLEGEDLY PUNCHED A MANCHESTER UNITED FAN. REPEAT. JOSE MOURINHO ALLEGEDLY PUNCHED A MANCHESTER UNITED FAN. When I was watching the match yesterday I thought he looked a little disheveled. But apparently that was just the tip of the iceberg. Not only is he not special anymore, he’s a common street brawler.

Surprisingly, there’s other news today.

As much as Thierry Henry tried to kick racism out of football, it seems the campaign just isn’t taking off in the boot shaped land. Didier Drogba has claimed his was racially abused by Juventus supporters during their match in Turin on Tuesday. I normally would make a joke but racism isn’t funny.

Of course racism isn’t limited to Italy, as Everton’s Victor Anichebe can attest. The Toffee striker was looking in a jewelry store window when police mistook him for a jewel thief. They released him after confirming he’s not a thief but just a crappy player. (There’s the joke.)

Now back to those friendly Italians. A minibus carrying a group of Arsenal fans en route to their match against Roma at the Stadio Olimpico was hijacked by a bunch of ultras. One supporter was stabbed, but fortunately was OK. Swift to act UEFA, after threatening to move the Champions League final from Rome if there were any violent episodes in Rome before then, have decided the show will go on as planned. Considering the final will likely feature an English team and the recent history of violence against English teams in Italy the past few years, I’m sure nothing will go wrong.

Speaking of hijacking, a Gulf War hero pilot was fired from his job for breaking anti-terrorist laws by letting a Premiership player ride in the cockpit with him. The real crime is that the player was Robbie Savage.

Sepp Blatter knows all about bureaucracy. The FIFA president, long accused of being anti-English, stated he actually likes English football. He also admitted he enjoys human error, so maybe he just likes everything and everyone.

Another man who enjoys the English is Barcelona manager Pep Guardiola. Instead of facing Porto or Villarreal in the next stage of the Champions League, he wants one of the four remaining English clubs. That’s good news for Frank Lampard, who wants nothing to do with Liverpool in the next round.

It’s also good news for Wayne Rooney. The Manchester United striker would love to face Liverpool in the next round. It appears that he’s less than fond of the Reds.

That’s the news today and remember—JOSE MOURINHO ALLEGEDLY PUNCHED A MANCHESTER UNITED FAN.

Posted in Steve Martin, What's Going On?Comments Off

Pointing The Finger



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sampoint

John Greenleaf Whittier said, “Each crisis brings its word and deed.” My uncle had a more common way of putting it. He just said, “Put up or shut up.” As the football season hits the home stretch, it’s put up or shut up time for clubs around the world. Some people can’t do either; instead they keep talking and blame others for their predicaments. We call them footballers.

Sam Allardyce is attempting to take the focus off of his club’s relegation battle by calling Everton’s Tim Cahill “clever” because of his ability to avoid getting called for fouls. That’s a word that’s obviously never been used to describe Big Sam’s longball tactics.

Over in North London, Luka Modric doesn’t enjoy Cristiano Ronaldo’s antics on the pitch. Claiming that English football is a “masculine” game, he doesn’t see where Ronaldo’s theatrics fit in. Those are bold words coming from someone who still shops in the children’s section.

Sounds like Luka could use a drink, unfortunately Harry Redknapp has banned all booze at Tottenham. Looking like a man who well knows the inside of a pub, I think he just wants to have more to himself.

Of course not everyone is a greedy bastard. Look at poor David Beckham. He’s ready to pay his way out of his contract to stay at Milan. Luckily for the man that AC Milan coach Carlo Ancelotti recently called better than Kaka, he’s got a few bucks to spare. And pounds, euros and yen.

Dean Windass, a man without the money of Becks but a far catchier name, has quit Oldham. The Old Windy One has decided it’s better to ride the pine in the Premiership than in League One. He’s right though. The seats are a lot more comfortable at the Emirates than at Boundary Park.

Unlike Windass, Karl-Heinze Rummenigge is a man who doesn’t give up so easily. For the 101st time this month, he states that Franck Ribery isn’t leaving Bayern München this summer. He also says that a club can’t force a player to stay if he doesn’t want to play for a club. He then goes on to say that he really doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Let’s end this column with news of the apocalypse. TITUS BRAMBLE HAS BEEN CALLED A TOP-NOTCH DEFENDER. You may now kiss your loved ones good-by and wait for the end of time.

Posted in Jason Parker, What's Going On?Comments Off

Buy That Man a Drink



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moyes

At long last, the Drunk thinks he may have found a drinking buddy. A real man’s man. A man who looks like he can handle his drink and throw a blow. Actually, I know he can do the latter. After knocking cross-town rivals Liverpool out of the FA Cup, the “other” Scot managing in the BPL, David Moyes, had this to say, “”What are you lot going to do now? All those Liverpool fans, especially in the local press. The way you build that side up. I bet you’re all stunned tonight.” That sounds like a challenge to the Red side of town to me. And any man who is willing fight a bunch of granny stabbers and hubcap thieves is more than OK in my book. And that’s not all. The day before the match, he kicked his only healthy striker, Victor Anichebe, out of training for dropping an F-Bomb in his direction. Do you think that fat jelly bean with a goatee on the other side of town would have done that? He also had this to say about Liverpool before the match, “We are whole-hearted but when you get players lying on the floor and waving their hands suggesting cards and the referee is missing challenges, it’s very hard.” Are your ears ringing Jamie Carragher? The man must have solid steal balls. I would drink in a biker bar with him. It’s such a refreshing change from crybaby Wenger and “fact” Benitez. If I lived in Liverpool, I would leave a bottle of whisky on his doorstep every Saturday with a note that read, “Thanks for not being a pussy.”

Posted in The Angry DrunkComments Off


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