Inter Milan teenage star Mario Balotelli has come up with a unique way to celebrate Inter’s 17th Scudetto. I’m sure Djibril Cisse would approve.

Judging by all the alleged bad behavior in the news today, it seems as if everyone’s itching for the international break to be over. I know I am. Don’t get me wrong, I love international competition, but watching Germany beat up on Lichtenstein isn’t exactly must see TV.

Captain Barry Ferguson and keeper Allan McGregor have been axed from the Scotland team for today’s match against Iceland. The two decided to get over Scotland’s 3-0 drubbing by Holland the only way a Scotsman could get over it—by having an all night drinking session. I’m just surprised it was only the two of them and not the entire squad who had a few too many. But it appears that George Burley has had a change of heart and has reinstated them.

They might not be drinking, but sad sack Newcastle supporters are punch drunk on love over the arrival of messiah #2 Alan Shearer. The replacement messiah has never managed, but is expected to save Newcastle from relegation. And to help him out, he’s tagged less-than-impressive Iain Dowie to be his second in command. My advice to the Toon Army—brace yourself for the Championship.

Another club with their feet planted fully on the ground, Tottenham, have released photos of the new stadium. They’re so excited that chairman Daniel Levy insists that the stadium will be filled to capacity. And it must be special because Spur-for-life-because-he-can’t-play-elsewhere Robbie Keane gives it a thumbs-up.

Say it ain’t so, Djibril Cisse. Natural Hat Trick’s favorite French fashion plate has been accused of assaulting a woman at a strip club. Of course his spokesman has come out and said it isn’t true. I want to believe him and it’s just another reason why international breaks are bad. Perhaps he needs to sign a charter of good behavior like the rest of his fellow countrymen.

In the latest installment of will he or won’t he leave, Franck Ribery has signed a new boot contract with Nike. Since Bayern München is an Adidas sponsored club, paranoid Bayern supporters are taking this as a sign that he will leave to play for a Nike team such as Barcelona or Manchester United. Not that football fans read too much into little things.

Not much news after a weekend of ho-hum international action, so today’s column is a hodge-podge of random bits of news. You can call it our bubble and squeak piece.

Surprise, Surprise, Jose Mourinho would consider the Manchester United job if Sir Alex retires. Not that we haven’t heard that before, and then have it hastily retracted, only for him to bring it up again. His desire for the job is more obvious than my third grade crush on Ms. Gandee.

Sad to see it go away. Peter Crouch has officially retired the robot dance. First the robot guy from Chappell’s Show is gone, and now Crouch has put his version to bed. I think we’re suffering from a lack of people doing the robot.

Did anyone think Roy Keane would fade quietly into the night when he left Sunderland? It seems over the weekend that old Roy boy got into an altercation with his neighbor over his misbehaving pooch. Not that Keano’s one to turn a molehill into a mountain.

Speaking of people with an anger management problem, Joey Barton’s first attack victim, Jamie Tandy, is soon to be awarded £300,000 from the manic midfielder. Three cheers for that.

Liverpool’s squad is up to 62 men. That’s 16 more than Chelsea and a whopping 35 more than Bolton. And yet, Dirk Kuyt still manages to start.

Unsurprisingly, Djibril Cisse owns a clothing store. And it’s as flashy as he is.

Emotions are running high as spring approaches and clubs trophy aspirations are vanishing into thin air like so much of the Drunk’s marijuana smoke. On this Tuesday, the papers are filled with emotional people and I have to say that it makes me happy to know that one of our favorites, ‘Facts’ Benitez, leads off today’s roundup.

He sure is trying to squeeze all he can out of that miracle 2005 Champions League victory. Yesterday ‘Facts’ ranted that Liverpool doesn’t get enough respect. I guess he doesn’t realize that making deep runs in the Champions League (like every other English club that qualifies), while being out of the Premiership title race by January, isn’t all that impressive. Of course you can’t expect a man who gets punked at his own press conference to have a clue.

Another person fed up with getting kicked around is Cristiano Ronaldo. He’s also having trouble controlling his anger at the situation. Of course if he didn’t spend the first few years of his career falling down like a drunken toddler, his offenders wouldn’t get away with it so easily.

Theo Walcott apparently wishes he had the same problem. Lil’ Theo recently went on record saying that he hopes he gets ‘clattered’ by Roma in Wednesday’s Champions League match. I don’t think he’ll be saying that when his 90 pound self gets knocked out with yet another injury when his prayers get answered.

Speaking of someone who knows a good kicking when he see it, Roy Keane and Niall Quinn are going to hold a clear the air talk about Keane’s abrupt departure from Sunderland. No word if the talks are going three or five rounds.

Niall Quinn might need to clear the air with striker Djibril Cisse as he is becoming increasingly annoyed with his contract situation. On loan from Marseille, Cisse is itching to make the move permanent and wants the situation to be resolved sooner rather than later. I understand his pain, in this economy a man wants to know where his hair dye is coming from.

Another man who knows his way around a hair salon, Dean Windass, has claimed that he wasn’t at the pub when Oldham got into a recent brawl on a team bonding session. He dares you to find an overweight Eminem look-alike on any of the pub’s CCTV cameras. Besides, he was too busy trying to find Phil Brown to have fought one of his teammates.

All joking aside, let’s end the column on a positive note, and it’s not John Terry getting back on the horse and practicing penalty kicks again. The Luton U-11s recently beat Bayern München’s squad to take home the Aarau Masters, billed as the most prestigious under-age indoor tournament in the world. At least something good happened for Luton this year.

As I was crying in my cup of PG Tips this morning over the news that Gisele has chosen Tom Brady over me, I was consoled by the fact that footballers’ dreams don’t always come true. Sometimes driving a new Ferrari every other month, and bedding models and actresses isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. Sometimes you have other dreams that are unattainable–even for a highly paid athlete or billionaire club owner. Now I feel better and I just hope that Bar Rafaeli dumps Leo sometime soon.

He might not like England, but Roman Pavlyuchenko isn’t trying to leave anytime soon. He just wants to move north and play for Manchester United–like many a Spurs star before him. What loyalty. I mean he hasn’t even finished his first season at White Hart Lane and he wants to leave. And Tottenham supporters thought that Dimitar Berbatov was just using them as a rest stop on the way to a bigger club.

While that might be an attainable goal, Sheffield United is still dreaming of the Premiership money they lost out on when they were relegated due to West Ham’s illegal signing of Carlos Tevez. They claim they are owed £45.5m. That’s £15m more than they previously claimed they were owed. Who says that the pound has decreased in value?

The Sunderland board has told Rick Sbragia that he will be allowed to splash the cash this summer. But other reports say that due to the economic crisis, they won’t have the money to sign Djibril Cisse. If they can’t afford Cisse, one has to assume that ‘splashing the cash’ means Sbragia will have a crisp twenty to blow on players. That should bring in some quality.

In other news, Julien Faubert has been linked with a move to Sunderland.

Jose Mourinho has said all along that he would one day return to England. And it appears that if Tom Hicks and George Gillett have their way, he would be Liverpool’s next manager. Aerosmith put it best when they sang, ‘Dream On.’ If he couldn’t deal with a meddling owner who was willing to throw big money around, I’m sure that he would love dealing with two clueless meddling owners that don’t spend any cash.

There is one man whose dream has come true. Who would have thought that it was ‘fact’ man Benitez? Longtime nemesis Rick Parry has left the club, leaving Rafa as the top dog at Anfield. Now if only Hicks and Gillett sold the team, Ryan Babel left the squad and Rafa gave up his stupid rotation policy, Liverpool would be hoisting the Premiership trophy next year. Or the next year. Or the year after that.

Djibril's a funky man.

Visiting Djibril Cisse’s website is like entering an upscale Eurotrash lounge. House music plays in the background as you check out photos of a shirtless Djibril, Djibril sitting in his Bentley, or Djibril DJing at a club. Obviously a man who spends that much time on his hair would have a website as devoted to himself as his is. There’s even an original Cisse song for you to enjoy. The site is written in French, but that shouldn’t get in the way of your enjoyment of the site. The language of Djibril is universal.