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So you may be wondering where I’ve been, and the answer is a little place called none-of-your-g*d-damn-business. Actually after giving you so many winners last year, I decided to take a rest from being the best handicapper on the web Natural Hat Trick. So instead of giving you just three money picks, I’m going to give you the result of all eight of today’s matches. Bold I know, but then again I am The Drunk. Let’s hit it. Read the full story

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Well it’s the last day of the international break and let’s hope our favorite players don’t get Tevezed before they return to their clubs. While club football may have been on a break, conspiracy theories and over-inflated egos didn’t. Nor did we take a break (don’t forget to follow us on Twitter.)

The world’s fastest man and, apparently, the world’s number one celebrity football supporter, Usain Bolt, will be a guest of the English FA as England take on Croatia in a World Cup qualifier. Not that long after palling around with best mate Cristiano Ronaldo in Madrid last week, he’ll be at Wembley rooting on England. The Jamaican sprinter is such an England fan he even used the word ‘we’ when talking about today’s match.

He may not be as fast of foot as Bolt, but Didier Drogba is quick to pat himself on the back. The former want away striker, who has now declared himself Chelsea-for-life, claims that he’s an unselfish player who doesn’t, ‘look at my scoring statistics.’ I agree with him. The way he got himself red carded during the 2008 Champions League final so that John Terry could be forced to take a penalty was definitely soulless selfless.

Another man who doesn’t mind taking one for the team is Manchester United midfielder and Scottish captain Darren Fletcher. The hard-nosed player has encouraged his teammates to question their opposite number if they’re ‘up for a battle?’ He also goes on to say he’ll be ‘in your face and kicking at your ankles.’ I’m sure those are comforting words for Arsene Wenger after he questioned Fletcher‘s role on the pitch during the last Manchester United v. Arsenal match.

Wenger’s problems with the Scottish aren’t restricted to the playing field. He blames the Eduardo diving suspension on, ‘Scottish people working at UEFA.’ David Gold, former chief executive of the Scottish FA and current UEFA general secretary, has come out and explained that, ‘It’s not all pals together’ at UEFA. No word if he was having a glass of red wine with Sir Alex Ferguson at the time of the statement.

Old pal Juande Ramos has been tipped for a return to football. After resurrecting his reputation at Real Madrid after his Tottenham debacle, the Spaniard is rumored to replace Leonardo at AC Milan. Like Martin Jol (now at Ajax after a successful stint at Hamburg), Ramos is finding that being fired from White Hart Lane might be the best thing to happen to a manager.

And let’s end on a truly joyous note (for once). Liverpool fan Michael Shields, who was incarcerated four years for a crime he didn’t commit after Liverpool’s Champions League victory in Turkey in 2005, has been released from prison today. Congratulations Michael.

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I would like to the the first to stand up and congratulate UEFA for banning Didier Drogba six matches and Jose Bosingwa four for their antics in Chelsea’s Champions League semi-final against Barcelona. I am a shocked to see that Michael Ballack wasn’t forced to sit some games out as well. Not only do I think the penalties are fair, I feel they should have been harsher and I’m stupefied that Chelsea are now appealing the ban. For that alone, if I were UEFA, I would extend the suspensions to include all group matches the club plays in next season’s Champions League. If UEFA’s respect campaign is to ever have true meaning they need to stand their ground and uphold their decision.

If Drogba and Bosingwa’s suspensions are reduced, or god forbid, retracted, it means open season on the referees. As I wrote at the time, Chelsea’s actions at the end that match were embarrassing and completely disrespectful to the game. If these players go unpunished or are let off with a slap on the wrist, it further diminishes the line between acceptable and unacceptable behavior. What’s going to happen the next time a referee makes an unpopular decision on a controversial play? And as we saw in the Chelsea-Barcelona semi-final, a referee can be faced with a good number of them during the course of a match.

Maybe some people didn’t see Ballack chasing the referee for forty yards or Drogba swearing at the TV cameras as that big of a deal, but I couldn’t disagree more. Aside from the magnitude of these matches, there are tremendous amounts of money riding on these games. The Champions League can generate tens of millions of dollars for the clubs, not to mention the commercial and marketing money that comes with winning it. Careers are on the line, so of course a player or coach is going to show emotion during a match. But they must remember that they must control themselves and that the referee is in charge. The referee must be respected at all times and those who don’t should be severely punished. If they aren’t, the entire game suffers.

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Regardless of how you feel about the performance of referee Tom Henning Ovrebo in last night’s Champions League semi-final, there is no defense for the actions of John Terry, Michael Ballack and Didier Drogba. Ballack’s chase and grab of the referee should have resulted in an immediate red card. And Drogba’s shameful tirade should result in a massive ban. Instead of acting like professionals and accepting defeat, they instead added fuel to the fire that has resulted in fans posting death threats against the referee.

I also put Guus Hiddink to task for defending the actions of these spoiled sore losers. I know it’s the job of a manager to defend his players, but it’s also the manager’s duty to set an example of behavior that his players should follow. Instead of congratulating Andres Iniesta for a wonderful strike, or taking blame for not being able to put away a squad that was down to ten men, they have decided to harp on penalties that they thought they should have received.

In the end it wasn’t Chelsea who lost, but football. In an age when bloated salaries have resulted in bloated egos and a sense of entitlement in players, Drogba and Ballack’s actions have furthered the image of the out of touch, out of control footballer. The club released a statement condemning their fans’ threats against the referee, but felt no need to address the actions of their players. If Chelsea wishes to be one of the greatest clubs in the world, they could have used this moment to set an example to the rest of the footballing world that these actions will not be tolerated. Instead they just enabled the next player who decides to make a mockery of the sport.

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He’s been called a diving cheat throughout his career, and now he can add childish loser to his resume. Now ask yourself Didier, who’s the real ‘f*cking disgrace?’

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F*ck the introduction today. JOSE MOURINHO ALLEGEDLY PUNCHED A MANCHESTER UNITED FAN. REPEAT. JOSE MOURINHO ALLEGEDLY PUNCHED A MANCHESTER UNITED FAN. When I was watching the match yesterday I thought he looked a little disheveled. But apparently that was just the tip of the iceberg. Not only is he not special anymore, he’s a common street brawler.

Surprisingly, there’s other news today.

As much as Thierry Henry tried to kick racism out of football, it seems the campaign just isn’t taking off in the boot shaped land. Didier Drogba has claimed his was racially abused by Juventus supporters during their match in Turin on Tuesday. I normally would make a joke but racism isn’t funny.

Of course racism isn’t limited to Italy, as Everton’s Victor Anichebe can attest. The Toffee striker was looking in a jewelry store window when police mistook him for a jewel thief. They released him after confirming he’s not a thief but just a crappy player. (There’s the joke.)

Now back to those friendly Italians. A minibus carrying a group of Arsenal fans en route to their match against Roma at the Stadio Olimpico was hijacked by a bunch of ultras. One supporter was stabbed, but fortunately was OK. Swift to act UEFA, after threatening to move the Champions League final from Rome if there were any violent episodes in Rome before then, have decided the show will go on as planned. Considering the final will likely feature an English team and the recent history of violence against English teams in Italy the past few years, I’m sure nothing will go wrong.

Speaking of hijacking, a Gulf War hero pilot was fired from his job for breaking anti-terrorist laws by letting a Premiership player ride in the cockpit with him. The real crime is that the player was Robbie Savage.

Sepp Blatter knows all about bureaucracy. The FIFA president, long accused of being anti-English, stated he actually likes English football. He also admitted he enjoys human error, so maybe he just likes everything and everyone.

Another man who enjoys the English is Barcelona manager Pep Guardiola. Instead of facing Porto or Villarreal in the next stage of the Champions League, he wants one of the four remaining English clubs. That’s good news for Frank Lampard, who wants nothing to do with Liverpool in the next round.

It’s also good news for Wayne Rooney. The Manchester United striker would love to face Liverpool in the next round. It appears that he’s less than fond of the Reds.

That’s the news today and remember—JOSE MOURINHO ALLEGEDLY PUNCHED A MANCHESTER UNITED FAN.

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I don’t remember my picks record. (I’m sure some of you more industrious types will decide to look it up and let me know.) Regardless of what it stands at, I know I’m good. I know I’m good because my bookie won’t call me back. And if he’s not looking for me, that means he doesn’t want me to take anymore money from him. So here we go with picks on a rather unexciting Champions League Tuesday.

Rejuvenated Chelsea goes to Italy to finish off a Juventus team that still hasn’t fully recovered from their match-fixing punishment of a couple of years ago. Didier Drogba is happy because Guus Hiddink is ignoring him, but playing him. I can understand. It’s exactly what I wanted from my ex-wife–no conversation but plenty of action. He gets another goal today.
The pick: Chelski 1 – Juv-got-no-chance 0

The question in the Real Madrid v. Liverpool match isn’t who’s advancing, it’s whether or not Liverpool will do anything besides sit back and defend. We know Madrid has no pace or creativity to break down a defense, so expect a snoozer.
The pick: No Respect Rafas 0 – Maybe Next Year Madrid 0

Villarreal v. Panathinaikos will actually be the only entertaining affair of the day. Expect plenty of fireworks on the pitch and more fire in the stands. Villarreal seems to have more talent available, but Pana is the Drunk’s team of destiny.
The pick: Opas 2 – El Submarino Amarillo 1

And of course I’m not giving a pick for Bayern München v. Sporting. It was 5-0 in the opening leg. As Sporting coach Paulo Bento honestly put it, “The outcome of this round is already certain.”

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What a wild Wednesday in the BPL. Cristiano Ronaldo got into a fight with Newcastle’s Steven Taylor. West Ham’s Carlton Cole scored a goal and got sent off–all within three minutes. And John Pantsil claimed he was ‘abused’ by a Hull City player. It’s enough to make Ashley Cole want to drink.

I’m sure everyone has heard that Cashley was arrested last night on a charge of disorderly conduct after leaving a nightclub at 5 am. I just can’t imagine that someone as nice as he is would yell at a police officer. It looks like he needs a move to Spurs. That is, of course, if the offer is right.

After a horrible tackle which should have seen Taylor sent off, Ronaldo called him “rubbish.” Taylor responded by calling him “ugly.” The World Player of the Year then showed him his pay stub and photos of the women he’s bedded.

That wasn’t the only bust up in the match. Obafemi Martins elbowed Nemanja Vidic, leaving the United defender bloodied. Vidic licked the blood, laughed and then said, “I must break you.”

Over in Italy, the fists aren’t flying, but Francesco Totti has accused Inter Milan wunderkind Mario Balotelli of “ugly football.” He also suggests that the young man needs a good slap on the face. Which Totti will deliver when he’s recovered from his latest injury.

At least one fight is over and a winner has been announced. Didier Drogba’s agent has revealed that Chelsea had to decide between keeping his client or retaining Big Phil Scolari. After winning that battle, Drogba reaffirmed his desire to stay at Chelsea and see out his contract–which runs all the way to 2010. If only I can live that long to see that happen. No one can say Didier isn’t a long term planner.

Meanwhile, Manchester City continues to attempt to bring every great player to the City grounds. The latest player to turn down City is Lionel Messi. They are also waiting to be spurned by Arsene Wenger for the managerial post. But maybe there is hope for the Citizens to overpay for someone as they’ve been tracking a Recreativo Huelva player that no one has heard of.

Speaking of losing fights, LA Galaxy coach Bruce Arena expects David Beckham to return next week. I expect Federica Fontana to call me back, but that ain’t gonna happen either.

It looks like AC Milan players will have to fight for their money. Chairman Silvio Berlusconi has said that Milan will cut its budget by 30%. He also said the Galaxy will get nothing for Beckham and they’ll like it.

One man with an apparent love of getting the snot kicked out of him is Kevin Keegan. It’s been reported that the Messiah wants to return to the Newcastle bench to help them on their way to the Championship. More amazingly, owner Mike Ashley nixed the idea. I guess he wants to be remembered as the only one responsible for completely ruining the once-proud club.

I would like to end with a fond farewell to Boris Isayev. The Russian man died after winning a pancake-eating contest. Apparently no one can beat 43 banana and cream pancakes. Sad news indeed, but it does make me hungry.

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The Drunk is a fighter, and an o-fer day isn’t going to deter him from making picks. Sure there’s been a lot of bravado in this space recently, but I’m back today to set things right. And for those of you who blame me for lost money, you shouldn’t be gambling anyway.

We’re not sure how Panathinaikos got to this stage of the tournament, but they’re here and Villarreal is glad to host them. They’ve never won in Spain and today isn’t the day to end that streak.
The pick: Yellow Submarine 2 – Random Guys from Greece 0

Didier Drogba expects his team to score four goals against Juventus. That’s not going to happen, but you can’t hate a man for being optimistic. The Blues have a new man in charge and a new attitude, while Juve have only won twice in their last five
The pick: Chelski 1 – Juve 0

Bayern may only sit fourth in the Bundesliga but they have been on fire in the Champions League–accumulating 14 points in the group stage. Combine that form with the anger from losing at home to Cologne over the weekend and you have some dangerous Germans. Sporting is just happy to be here.
The pick: Lederhosen 1 – Lisbians 0

Two massive clubs, star players, blah, blah, blah. The only important factor is whether or not Steven Gerrard plays. As of this time we don’t know, but I’ll just assume Captain Liverpool suits it up. Expect a game full of missed chances and repeated shots of Arjen Robben on the ground.
The pick: Red Shirts 0 – White Shirts 0