Well it’s the last day of the international break and let’s hope our favorite players don’t get Tevezed before they return to their clubs. While club football may have been on a break, conspiracy theories and over-inflated egos didn’t. Nor did we take a break (don’t forget to follow us on Twitter.)

The world’s fastest man and, apparently, the world’s number one celebrity football supporter, Usain Bolt, will be a guest of the English FA as England take on Croatia in a World Cup qualifier. Not that long after palling around with best mate Cristiano Ronaldo in Madrid last week, he’ll be at Wembley rooting on England. The Jamaican sprinter is such an England fan he even used the word ‘we’ when talking about today’s match.

He may not be as fast of foot as Bolt, but Didier Drogba is quick to pat himself on the back. The former want away striker, who has now declared himself Chelsea-for-life, claims that he’s an unselfish player who doesn’t, ‘look at my scoring statistics.’ I agree with him. The way he got himself red carded during the 2008 Champions League final so that John Terry could be forced to take a penalty was definitely soulless selfless.

Another man who doesn’t mind taking one for the team is Manchester United midfielder and Scottish captain Darren Fletcher. The hard-nosed player has encouraged his teammates to question their opposite number if they’re ‘up for a battle?’ He also goes on to say he’ll be ‘in your face and kicking at your ankles.’ I’m sure those are comforting words for Arsene Wenger after he questioned Fletcher‘s role on the pitch during the last Manchester United v. Arsenal match.

Wenger’s problems with the Scottish aren’t restricted to the playing field. He blames the Eduardo diving suspension on, ‘Scottish people working at UEFA.’ David Gold, former chief executive of the Scottish FA and current UEFA general secretary, has come out and explained that, ‘It’s not all pals together’ at UEFA. No word if he was having a glass of red wine with Sir Alex Ferguson at the time of the statement.

Old pal Juande Ramos has been tipped for a return to football. After resurrecting his reputation at Real Madrid after his Tottenham debacle, the Spaniard is rumored to replace Leonardo at AC Milan. Like Martin Jol (now at Ajax after a successful stint at Hamburg), Ramos is finding that being fired from White Hart Lane might be the best thing to happen to a manager.

And let’s end on a truly joyous note (for once). Liverpool fan Michael Shields, who was incarcerated four years for a crime he didn’t commit after Liverpool’s Champions League victory in Turkey in 2005, has been released from prison today. Congratulations Michael.

When a massive club from a mammoth league gives up two away goals to a big club from a lesser league, then you know that the next day’s papers will report that the sky is falling and play the blame game.  In case you didn’t notice, that happened in yesterday’s Manchester United v. FC Porto Champions League quarter-final match. Of course there’s other news to report, but it’s not as sexy as a team in crisis. (Remember Arsenal earlier in the year, and Liverpool soon after?)

Let’s jump right into it. Whose fault is it that United wet the bed against Porto? If you ask Sir Alex, it’s his fault. Edwin van der Sar blames the leaky defense. Darren Fletcher takes a different path and actually gives Porto credit for playing a good game. So obviously it must be all his fault.

Former crisis club, now best in the world, Liverpool could lose goal scoring machine Fernando Torres to Italy or, gasp, Germany. Not one to let anything go unremarked upon, ‘Facts’ Benitez is holding a press conference about it. Just kidding, but don’t be surprised if he does.

Remember Chelsea? Just last year they playned in the Champions League final and are currently just four points behind league leaders Manchester United. It seems nobody else does, considering the coverage Liverpool and United have been receiving this year. It might actually be a good thing, since captain John Terry revealed that he used to be scared of Anfield, but he’s not anymore. He’s also not scared of the boogie man or the monster in his closet anymore as well. Maybe he needs another pep talk from Avram Grant to help him out. Or just Jose Mourinho back.

Did Manchester City’s ear just perk up? It seems Kaka hasn’t completely ruled out a move to England. Which, of course, means he must be going to City?

In lesser, but more curious transfer news, Villarreal is reportedly interested in non-goal machine Bobby Zamora. If I were Jozy Altidore I would be so pissed right now considering in his last two matches he’s scored as many goals as Fulham’s non-striker has all season.

And in much lesser news, David Beckham’s AC Milan teammate Christian ‘Bobo’ Vieri wants to join him and play for the LA Galaxy.  And they said Becks isn’t helping MLS grow.

I don’t know what it is about the international break that loosens footballers’ lips? When they’re with their clubs, it’s the same mixture of bland quotes: ‘Football’s a game of two halves,’ We’ve got to stick together,’ or ‘No, I don’t think the gaffer’s a fucking idiot for playing me out of position.’ Maybe it’s the break from the monotony of day-to-day training with the same players and the same coaches. Or perhaps flying out of town for a week has a holiday feel to it. Whatever the reason, I appreciate this unique type of BS that the players are slinging.

What a difference ten days can make. A week and a half ago, Liverpool had conceded the title to Manchester United and the future of ‘Facts’ Benitez was in doubt. Now they’re the world’s greatest team and the ‘Fact Man’ is the greatest manager in the history of the sport. And apparently, if you believe nobody Alvaro Arbeloa, Liverpool are about to become bigger than The Beatles. I guess he’s not one for hyperbole.

Now that fortunes have turned in the Reds’ favor, their captain Steven Gerrard wants to stay at Anfield for the rest of his career. Or until the next time they finish in third place. And not only does he want to stay, Gerrard actually believes in Benitez’ management style. And it only took five years—way to come around captain kiss the camera. Now if only Fabio Capello would let him play like he wants.

It’s good to know that Manchester United’s recent form hasn’t worried left-back Patrice Evra. The Frenchman calls United’s losses to Liverpool and Fulham ‘a little accident.’ Teammate Darren Fletcher agrees, only he calls the losses ‘blips.’ I guess if United blow the title, they’ll just call it a trivial little nothing.

What’s not trivial to Evra is the behavior of the French fans. He claims the French lack a football culture. He also goes on to speculate whether or not the French even like football. That should get the fans on your side and stop the boos from raining down.

Why has the Ledley King story has become as huge as it has? He’s a fine player the ten games a year he plays. That’s why I don’t understand why Capello would want to include him in a World Cup squad. He can’t play two Saturdays in a row, how could he possibly play a World Cup tournament schedule? Anyway, Capello’s angry at Spurs and Spurs are angry at the English FA for what happened to King under Steve McClaren. And Steve McClaren’s angry at the guy who sold him that umbrella.

Speaking of buying and selling, apparently you can now buy Portsmouth for the price of Robinho. And the sad thing is there are more offers for the drug using, bad penalty taking Brazilian. Sorry about the drug reference Robbie, please don’t sue me.

While we’re on the topic of money, UEFA wants to limit the amount of players per squad in order to keep wage bills down. Predictably, PFA boss Gordon Taylor is completely against it.

Who doesn’t love a quality night out with some friends? After a long work week there are few things better than some friendly banter over a couple of cocktails. It’s only when people have had a few too many and an innocent comment made in passing turns into one of those, “What’s that supposed to mean?” moments that a night out can turn ugly.

More specifically, I’m talking about Oldham player Lee Hughes getting into a fight with manager John Sheridan after a day of team bonding at the dog track and then the pub. Discussion of the Latics recent poor form turned into a brawl as not only Hughes and Sheridan squared off, but two other unnamed teammates fought earlier in the evening. At least they came together by the end of the night as the team got into a confrontation with staff and other customers. Not one to let a few ugly incidents ruin the night, chief executive Alan Hardy branded the night as “successful.”

If anyone can understand what the Oldham team is going through its Ashley Cole. Still experiencing fallout from last week’s nightclub incident, Cole is now facing the axe from Chelsea as new manager Guus Hiddink is appalled at his actions and wants to sell him. Oldham might not be able to meet his wage demands, but I think Cashley might have found a club that understands him.

Up in Manchester, Darren Fletcher doesn’t have those problems as he doesn’t drink alcohol. That’s right, a non-drinking Scotsman. Now that you’re all completely shocked, we can continue with the column.

In other shocking news–if only because of its absurdity–AC Milan wants to buy Manchester United defensive duo Nemanja Vidic and Jonny Evans for £35m. Somehow I don’t think Sir Alex is going to sell his defensive backbone of the future for what they paid for Dimitar Berbatov alone. It’s so far-fetched Darren Fletcher has asked for a white wine spritzer.

Enough of this talk of drinking. Let’s talk about cooperation. It seems Cristiano Ronaldo and Usain Bolt have a mutual admiration for each other and Bolt has offered to help Ronaldo run faster. Upon hearing of their friendship, Real Madrid are attempting to bring Bolt to the Bernabeu.

I’m going to have a drink and try to make it through a dreary Monday. Don’t forget to tip your bartender. And stay out of my way.

There’s only one thing on my mind today. Champions League. After waiting what seemed nine years for the knockout stage, it’s finally back. And what fun it brings. Italy vs. England. Sir Alex vs. The Special One. Arsene’s young boys vs. the aging non-wonders of Roma. Oh, and Lyon get to lose to Barcelona. And on some obscure network, Atlético Madrid take on Porto. Without further ado, let’s get to the rundown.

Darren Fletcher’s European trip isn’t off to the greatest of starts. Shortly after departing for Milan, his girlfriend and her mother were robbed at knifepoint by burglars who broke into his home. I guess that all the Liverpool players were at home that night.

While that may be an unfortunate incident, it isn’t getting in the way of the war of words between the managers. In yesterday’s well attended press conference, Jose Mourinho claimed that United’s tactics aren’t up to par with the Italian league. He then reiterated his desire to return to England so that his tactic of relying on a Drogba dive for a penalty can be successful again.

Arsenal’s trophy cabinet hasn’t been added to in some time, but top man Arsene Wenger fully believes that glory isn’t that far off. Of course, he seems only to be saying it to convince Cesc Fabregas and Robin van Persie to stay. Now seriously, what will it take to get you in this Hyundai today Mr. Fabregas?

But Arsene shouldn’t worry if he loses all of his best players before they can shave. Natural Hat Trick has found a replacement player that should fit in his budget. And now, there’s just that matter of our finder’s fee Mr. Wenger.

And what would delusional visions of grandeur be without an update from Anfield? This time, it’s Dirk Kuyt turn to serve up the Liverpool Kool-Aid. The Dutch anti-hitman believes that a win over Real Madrid can jumpstart the Reds dying BPL title hopes. And he still leaves teeth under his pillow.

Of course, some hallucinations can be both weird and comical. In a recent tell-all interview, Paul Gascoigne admitted to talking to and going out for drinks with fake parrots. He didn’t say if he met them at a Jimmy Buffet concert.

For what it’s worth: Gary Lineker thinks his ears stick out.

For what it’s worth, part two: David Beckham thinks his move to Milan is close to being completed.

For what it’s worth, part three: Both of these things are of little interest to me.