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Well it’s the last day of the international break and let’s hope our favorite players don’t get Tevezed before they return to their clubs. While club football may have been on a break, conspiracy theories and over-inflated egos didn’t. Nor did we take a break (don’t forget to follow us on Twitter.)

The world’s fastest man and, apparently, the world’s number one celebrity football supporter, Usain Bolt, will be a guest of the English FA as England take on Croatia in a World Cup qualifier. Not that long after palling around with best mate Cristiano Ronaldo in Madrid last week, he’ll be at Wembley rooting on England. The Jamaican sprinter is such an England fan he even used the word ‘we’ when talking about today’s match.

He may not be as fast of foot as Bolt, but Didier Drogba is quick to pat himself on the back. The former want away striker, who has now declared himself Chelsea-for-life, claims that he’s an unselfish player who doesn’t, ‘look at my scoring statistics.’ I agree with him. The way he got himself red carded during the 2008 Champions League final so that John Terry could be forced to take a penalty was definitely soulless selfless.

Another man who doesn’t mind taking one for the team is Manchester United midfielder and Scottish captain Darren Fletcher. The hard-nosed player has encouraged his teammates to question their opposite number if they’re ‘up for a battle?’ He also goes on to say he’ll be ‘in your face and kicking at your ankles.’ I’m sure those are comforting words for Arsene Wenger after he questioned Fletcher‘s role on the pitch during the last Manchester United v. Arsenal match.

Wenger’s problems with the Scottish aren’t restricted to the playing field. He blames the Eduardo diving suspension on, ‘Scottish people working at UEFA.’ David Gold, former chief executive of the Scottish FA and current UEFA general secretary, has come out and explained that, ‘It’s not all pals together’ at UEFA. No word if he was having a glass of red wine with Sir Alex Ferguson at the time of the statement.

Old pal Juande Ramos has been tipped for a return to football. After resurrecting his reputation at Real Madrid after his Tottenham debacle, the Spaniard is rumored to replace Leonardo at AC Milan. Like Martin Jol (now at Ajax after a successful stint at Hamburg), Ramos is finding that being fired from White Hart Lane might be the best thing to happen to a manager.

And let’s end on a truly joyous note (for once). Liverpool fan Michael Shields, who was incarcerated four years for a crime he didn’t commit after Liverpool’s Champions League victory in Turkey in 2005, has been released from prison today. Congratulations Michael.

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Looks like Cristiano Ronaldo has put the £220,000 a week Real Madrid is paying to not so good use. The £80m man has splashed out a reported £8m for the hideous 36-room mansion–called ‘La Finca’–that resembles an elementary school. While not pleasing to my eye, the extra space should ensure that his many female conquests won’t have to run into each other on the way to the bathroom at night. Meanwhile, back in England, new Manchester City mercenary Emmanuel Adebayor bought Ronaldo’s old house for £5.5m—which is £1.65m more than the Petulant Portugueser paid just last February. Adebayor beat out fellow money-chasers teammates Kolo Toure, Gareth Barry and Carlos Tevez for the right to find Ronaldo’s old Speedos in the closet. Now who says there’s a housing crisis?

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As the old saying goes, opinions are like a**holes, everyone has one. Unlike a**holes, which are only shared on adult websites and magazines (does anyone read porno mags anymore?), footballers opinions make front page headlines around the world.

Stefan Effenberg has been out of football since 2004, but that didn’t stop German newspaper Bild from digging him up for an interview. The former Bayern München player accused David Beckham of being underhanded. It shouldn’t be huge news, but mention the name David Beckham and you’ll make headlines. Maybe he just doesn’t want England to host the 2018 World Cup.

What is it with frustrated Germans today? Recently fired Jurgen Klinsmann is unhappy by the way he was treated by Bayern München. He claims he was made a scapegoat for things he couldn’t control and he could’ve won the Bundesliga if given the chance. Maybe he could have, maybe he couldn’t have; but like a Tootsie-Roll Pop, the world will never know.

Lionel Messi has decided to offer his two cents on the Carlos Tevez saga. The Flea says to sign him up as he’s one of the best in the world. I have to admit it struck me as odd that he didn’t make a plea for him to come to Barcelona. Normally when players talk up their countrymen, they say how great they would be at their club. Just saying.

‘Facts’ Benitez loves to talk about his club’s inability to financially compete with the likes of Manchester United and Chelsea. So I wonder how he can explain his club’s £50m bid for Carlos Tevez. Especially considering he recently said how United can spend £40-50m on a player and he can’t. Rafa, you’ve got some ‘splaining to do.

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has decided to stay at the Emirates and turn down the advances of Real Madrid. Considering his massive transfer budget this summer (which must make ‘Facts’ jealous), I have to take my hat off to the man for sticking by his club. Or as he probably knows, if he takes the Madrid position he’ll be out of a job within 3 months. I guess the march in support of the Professor isn’t necessary after all.

I know Newcastle, Sunderland and Middlesbrough won’t be happy to see Manchester United field a reserve team against fellow relegation battlers Hull City this weekend. But I hope to G*d that they won’t actually sue the club if they do. Why is it everyone feels the need to sue when they go down? Can’t they just accept they’re shit? Or maybe, instead of suing somebody, they should use the Hull City method of motivation.

His girl might have left him and his team might have had a disappointing season, but, damn it, this is Frank Lampard’s best season ever—according to him. Maybe instead of Fat Frank, we should start calling him Old Silver Lining.

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A weekend that saw Barcelona, Inter Milan and Manchester United all wrap up their domestic leagues wasn’t all confetti and fireworks. For some it was sour grapes and for others it was a kick out the door.

‘Facts’ Benitez has been in a war of words with Sir Alex Ferguson all season, so it should be as shocking as another female celebrity claiming to be bi-sexual that he wasn’t going to be the first to congratulate the Manchester United manager on the club’s BPL title. In fact he won’t congratulate him at all, instead he will just say ‘job well done.’ Stay classy Rafa.

In case anyone cares what he thinks, Liverpool’s sh*t midfielder Lucas can’t stand the sight of United winning the league as well.

Another shit midfielder, David Bentley has been shown the door by Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp. It seems Harry isn’t too impressed with Bentley’s return of two goals in thirty-four appearances for the club. At least the gaffer likes the young man, which can’t be said of Russian flop Roman Pavlyuchenko. After being subbed off this past weekend, he stormed right past the manager and straight down the tunnel. While Cristiano Ronaldo may be able to get away with such actions, a no-name Russian striker can’t. Too bad somebody didn’t tell him.

A bad attitude has cost striker Amr Zaki his place at Wigan. After a series of run-ins with manager Steve Bruce over the past season, Wigan has decided to not make his loan move permanent. Like Pavlyuchenko, it appears Zaki acts like he’s better than he is. Not a smart move for someone who hasn’t scored since December.

So long Carlos Tevez. The hard-working Manchester United player has made it pretty clear how he feels he’s been treated by the club. Claiming his new contract has nothing to do with money, but respect. This is shaping up to be an ugly breakup. Let the summer games begin.

On the subject of gamesmanship, Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has dropped his strongest hint yet that he might be ready to leave the Emirates. Speaking on French TV, Wenger left the door open to a shocking move to Real Madrid. After Arsenal’s defensive play this season, he should feel right at home with the matador defense Madrid played this year.

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If you weren’t impressed by his magnificent goal against Wigan yesterday, then his hip-hop skills will knock your socks off. A man this multi-talented can’t be sold for any amount of money.

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Have you ever been to one of those all-you-can-eat buffet restaurants? Those places where they serve everything from deviled eggs to Swedish meatballs to Jello salad? And you only get one plate, so you take your one plate and just load up a mess of completely unrelated dishes until they all blend together in one big pile of food. That’s what today’s news review is: One big buffet pile of random news and strange information. Dig in and enjoy.

In case you haven’t heard, Roy Keane is the new manager of Ipswich Town. Football’s most famous dog walker wasted no time laying out his plans for the club and laying into former teammates. He isn’t too fond of former Republic of Ireland teammate Tony Cascarino in particular.

Yesterday Frank Lampard’s baby mama Elen Rives sounded off on the fat boy, calling him a ‘heartless bastard.’ Well today, Frank got to give his side of the story on BBC Radio. Good to see they’re keeping their break-up private.

In the latest round of Fergie vs. ‘Facts’, Sir Alex responds to Benitez’ claim that he has the better team. Of course if the rumor that Liverpool are in the hunt to sign Carlos Tevez (United’s forgotten man this season) is true, you have to wonder if ‘Facts’ really believes he has the better team.  I’m sure we’ll get our answer at a press conference in a few hours time.

In lighter news, much much lighter news, Rio Ferdinand has become friends with Michael Jackson. Apparently The Strange One called to congratulate Rio on his new website. Maybe it was Rio’s choice of cover girl that piqued Jacko’s interest. Could that mean Michael’s over the little boys and actually likes women? OK, quit laughing now.

I’ve got another joke for you. Actually it’s just a new quote from Arsenal’s Nicklas Bendtner. The misfiring Dane is ready to take over for the injured Robin van Persie and show his quality. I’ll give you a minute to wipe your eyes.

He should be more like Ryan Babel. After doing nothing at Liverpool for two years Babel has realized it’s either put up or shut up time. It’s heartwarming when a young man can look himself in the mirror and realize he’s crap.

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As I was crying in my cup of PG Tips this morning over the news that Gisele has chosen Tom Brady over me, I was consoled by the fact that footballers’ dreams don’t always come true. Sometimes driving a new Ferrari every other month, and bedding models and actresses isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. Sometimes you have other dreams that are unattainable–even for a highly paid athlete or billionaire club owner. Now I feel better and I just hope that Bar Rafaeli dumps Leo sometime soon.

He might not like England, but Roman Pavlyuchenko isn’t trying to leave anytime soon. He just wants to move north and play for Manchester United–like many a Spurs star before him. What loyalty. I mean he hasn’t even finished his first season at White Hart Lane and he wants to leave. And Tottenham supporters thought that Dimitar Berbatov was just using them as a rest stop on the way to a bigger club.

While that might be an attainable goal, Sheffield United is still dreaming of the Premiership money they lost out on when they were relegated due to West Ham’s illegal signing of Carlos Tevez. They claim they are owed £45.5m. That’s £15m more than they previously claimed they were owed. Who says that the pound has decreased in value?

The Sunderland board has told Rick Sbragia that he will be allowed to splash the cash this summer. But other reports say that due to the economic crisis, they won’t have the money to sign Djibril Cisse. If they can’t afford Cisse, one has to assume that ‘splashing the cash’ means Sbragia will have a crisp twenty to blow on players. That should bring in some quality.

In other news, Julien Faubert has been linked with a move to Sunderland.

Jose Mourinho has said all along that he would one day return to England. And it appears that if Tom Hicks and George Gillett have their way, he would be Liverpool’s next manager. Aerosmith put it best when they sang, ‘Dream On.’ If he couldn’t deal with a meddling owner who was willing to throw big money around, I’m sure that he would love dealing with two clueless meddling owners that don’t spend any cash.

There is one man whose dream has come true. Who would have thought that it was ‘fact’ man Benitez? Longtime nemesis Rick Parry has left the club, leaving Rafa as the top dog at Anfield. Now if only Hicks and Gillett sold the team, Ryan Babel left the squad and Rafa gave up his stupid rotation policy, Liverpool would be hoisting the Premiership trophy next year. Or the next year. Or the year after that.

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There’s a lot of talk about loyalty in football. Fans should be loyal to their club, clubs should be loyal to their managers, managers should be loyal to their players and so on and on and on. So much loyalty. But like many things in the world of football, what’s said is very rarely what’s done. A look around the news today proves that in spades.

The Football League Managers Association has released some numbers that make Roy Hodgson’s two years at Fulham seem almost Fergie-like. According to their data, the average managerial tenure has dropped from 3.12 years in 1992-93 (the first year of the EPL) to 1.47 this season.

At least one manager doesn’t have to worry about results. The Mexican FA recently came out and stated that Sven-Goren Eriksson isn’t going anywhere. That’s good news for Sven’s tan. I guess that Mexico has gotten so used to losing to the US that another 2-0 loss is no big deal. I wonder what Jesus Ramirez thinks of all this.

Apparently, leading La Liga with 23 goals and having a ten point lead over Real Madrid isn’t enough to make Samuel Eto’o happy at Barcelona. Even though Pep Guardiola has turned fortunes around at the Spanish giants, somber Sammy still hasn’t forgiven Barcelona for the way that they treated him last summer. If he doesn’t like where he works, he should try my job.

At least Carlos Tevez knows how to fake it. When his time comes to an end at Manchester United, he admits that he’ll feel some pain. But I wonder how much, considering that he only planned to stay a “few more years.”

But it’s not all bad news. And can you believe that the good news is actually coming out of Newcastle? Newly re-committed owner Mike Ashley has decided to cut ticket prices. In a letter written by managing director Derek Llambias and directed to season ticket holders, Llambias pleads, “You’ve seen uglier football, stick with the team. We will get there.” That’s right Derek, remind fans of how crappy it’s really been. I can only imagine what he must say when his wife threatens to leave him.

So that’s loyalty, football style. And quite frankly, it’s made me thirsty. I guess I’m going to have to show loyalty to my favorite whiskey the only way I know how. By going home and having seven to ten tumblers of Jameson.