You can bet your balls that the Drunk's got picks.

So you may be wondering where I’ve been, and the answer is a little place called none-of-your-g*d-damn-business. Actually after giving you so many winners last year, I decided to take a rest from being the best handicapper on the web Natural Hat Trick. So instead of giving you just three money picks, I’m going to give you the result of all eight of today’s matches. Bold I know, but then again I am The Drunk. Let’s hit it. Read the full story

Henry Miller once wrote, “Hope is a bad thing. It means that you are not what you want to be.” I couldn’t agree more. Boro fans keep returning to the Riverside hoping that they’re more than mediocre—which they aren’t. Hope may not be a good thing, but it makes for a great football story.

Oft-injured striker, Robin van Persie is hoping that eating less red meat will keep him from getting hurt so much. Even if it helps him play half a season, it’s still far more than his Dutch national team mate ‘ironman’ Arjen Robben could ever hope to play.

Big Sam Allardyce thinks his Blackburn team is too fat to compete. That’s part of it Sam. That and you lack enough skill players to stay up.

Meanwhile fat bastard Mike Ashley is begging Newcastle fans not to desert the team because the club is heading in the right direction. And caretaker manager for the caretaker manager Chris Hughton is banking on the return of Michael Owen to save them from relegation. Apparently they believe in the Kool-Aid diet and expect Toon fans to join them in drinking it up.

One person who’s definitely drinking the Kool-Aid is Cristiano Ronaldo’s mother. She doesn’t believe that her little boy could be a womanizer. Her proof of this is that he has only introduced two women to her and that if there were more she would have met them. I don’t know about you, but I don’t always bring my coke-dealing, prostitute girlfriends home.

In other news that proves she’s clueless, she doesn’t believe that her son is arrogant.

At least Fulham manager Roy Hodgson is a little more realistic when he says that owner Mohamed Al Fayed needs to spend big this summer if his goal of making Fulham the “Manchester United of the South” is to be achieved. But judging by the way Al Fayed has been reluctant to open the purse strings the past few years, it’s more realistic to hope for Bobby Zamora to win the Golden Boot next season.

I will end by tipping my cap to Blackpool supporters. Those sad bastards are hoping managerial cancer Iain Dowie can save them from relegation. Their Kool-Aid must really be laced with something potent. Those sad bastards.

P.S. One thing from the “Are You Serious?” category. West Bromwich Albion is freezing ticket prices for next year. Really? You’re not going to charge more to see you play Plymouth Argyle and Doncaster Rovers in the Championship than you would to see you take on Manchester United and Chelsea? Glad you could be there for your fans. Those sad bastards are drinking some serious Kool-Aid.

The Drunk is a fighter, and an o-fer day isn’t going to deter him from making picks. Sure there’s been a lot of bravado in this space recently, but I’m back today to set things right. And for those of you who blame me for lost money, you shouldn’t be gambling anyway.

We’re not sure how Panathinaikos got to this stage of the tournament, but they’re here and Villarreal is glad to host them. They’ve never won in Spain and today isn’t the day to end that streak.
The pick: Yellow Submarine 2 – Random Guys from Greece 0

Didier Drogba expects his team to score four goals against Juventus. That’s not going to happen, but you can’t hate a man for being optimistic. The Blues have a new man in charge and a new attitude, while Juve have only won twice in their last five
The pick: Chelski 1 – Juve 0

Bayern may only sit fourth in the Bundesliga but they have been on fire in the Champions League–accumulating 14 points in the group stage. Combine that form with the anger from losing at home to Cologne over the weekend and you have some dangerous Germans. Sporting is just happy to be here.
The pick: Lederhosen 1 – Lisbians 0

Two massive clubs, star players, blah, blah, blah. The only important factor is whether or not Steven Gerrard plays. As of this time we don’t know, but I’ll just assume Captain Liverpool suits it up. Expect a game full of missed chances and repeated shots of Arjen Robben on the ground.
The pick: Red Shirts 0 – White Shirts 0