Tag Archive | "Alan Shearer"

You’re My Obsession



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championsleaguetrophy

It’s do or die time for the four teams left in the Champions League. I think these two remaining semi-final matches should be classics. And while some players are obsessed with on the field glory, some are obsessed with becoming the biggest a**hole they can be.

If you guessed that the person hell bent on kicking himself out of football is Joey Barton, step right up and collect your can of baked beans. After getting kicked out of last weekend’s clash with Liverpool for a horrendous tackle on Xabi Alonso, he followed that up with a dressing room bust-up with Newcastle manager Alan Shearer. Stay classy Joey.

Alex Ferguson may have won the Champions League twice during his time at Manchester United, but it doesn’t mean he’s satisfied. And it’s been revealed that the club isn’t satisfied with having the largest stadium in the BPL. It’s been reported that United plan on expanding their ground and make it bigger than Wembley. Let’s just hope they don’t emulate Wembley and ruin the pitch while they’re at it.

While Fergie may be obsessed with winning trophies, his counterpart at Arsenal doesn’t feel the same need. Content with his fourth place finishes and teenage fan club of a squad, Arsene Wenger says he doesn’t need to win to justify his time in charge of the club. And not only are the Arsenal supporters ok with this, it seems wannabe Real Madrid president Florentino Perez is also a fan of Wenger.

Arsenal and Manchester United have battled many times over the years, but Sir Alex claims this is the biggest clash yet. Luckily he knows ‘everything’ about Arsenal. I wonder if he knows that football owes Arsenal a Champions League title.

Cristiano Ronaldo might not know everything about Arsenal but he knows to expect a cascade of boos at the Emirates this evening. Luckily he has the smooth sounds of Phil Collins and George Michael to help him deal with it. Why is it so unsettling to me to think of Ronaldo at home alone listening to George Michael?

Arsenal and Manchester United might be dominating today’s headlines, but this quote by Barcelona quote Luis Enrique has me ready to tomorrow’s match. He says that Chelsea will be overwhelmed by Barcelona’s ‘footballing orgasm.’ No word if he was listening to George Michael when he said it.

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Difference Of Opinion



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different

They say there are two sides to every story, and the truth lies somewhere in the middle. Or in the case of most things that are reported in the football world, there’s no truth at all. But that’s what makes it fun. Unlike watching Guus Hiddink’s Chelsea warriors ‘stifle’ Barcelona.

Are they or aren’t they going to be the biggest club in the Championship? That’s the question hanging over Newcastle’s heads these days. If you ask Legend #2 Alan Shearer, the answer is that they’re not going down. But Michael Owen isn’t so sure. The Premiership will miss you Toon Army.

Martin O’Neill doesn’t mind a little competition. Unlike many in England, the Aston Villa boss thinks that Celtic and Rangers joining the Premiership is a good thing. After finding out how hard it is to crack the top four, you think he wouldn’t want to add to the degree of difficulty.

Speaking of difficult, it must be hell to be Andrei Arshavin. First, he has to convince his wife to live in that terrible city of London, while making millions of pounds in the process. And now he finds out that his Arsenal teammates are jealous of him. I guess it’s hard being the king. And for Mikael Silvestre, it’s hard letting go of the past. At least they should be safe from bird flu.

What’s with the love fest between Alex Ferguson and Arsene Wenger? Through the years the two have had a less than warm relationship, but now they can’t say enough nice things about each other. At least Karl-Heinz Rummenigge has some harsh words for the Professor of the Emirates.

Mea culpas all around at Tottenham. Not that it should make Jermaine Jenas any happier, but referee Howard Webb has admitted he was wrong to award Manchester United a penalty over the weekend. And Harry Redknapp has apologized for pretty much calling Darren Bent a woman earlier this season. Better late than never, eh Darren?

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Class Is In Session



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classroom

Class is a relative phrase when it comes to footballers. For some we speak of their class on the pitch, for others we speak about their lack of it in society. We also say how some clubs aren’t in the same class as others. So it should come as no surprise that today’s news is filled with talk about it. Pepe losing his gourd in yesterday’s Real Madrid vs. Getafe match—in a class of its own.

No one can dispute that Paul Scholes is pure class on the pitch, and he should be congratulated on reaching 600 appearances with Manchester United. But United legend Sir Bobby Charlton perhaps goes a little too far when he says that Scholes is the greatest Red Devil of all time.

While Scholes may have class in abundance, Fernando Torres doesn’t rate Manchester United in the same league as Barcelona, and feels they have ‘much more quality’ than United. He should know what he’s talking about, considering he plays with the likes of Dirk Kuyt and Lucas week in and week out.

Speaking of class (hey it’s the column topic), Andrei Arshavin’s four goal performance against Liverpool yesterday was full of it. And so was Arsene Wenger when he called the Russian one of the ‘great’ players of the era. He also managed to work in an extra jibe at the Wembley pitch as well. What a crafty guy that Wenger.

Michael Owen is a man who isn’t a stranger to receiving undeserved plaudits. He hasn’t scored this year, but that isn’t stopping Alan Shearer and Iain Dowie from counting on him to save Newcastle from relegation. If that’s their plan to save the club from the disaster of going down to the Championship, get ready for Swansea City Toon Army.

Stay classy Luca Toni. The season isn’t over and Bayern München still has a chance to win the Bundesliga, but he’s already stated his preference for next season’s manager. But what do you expect from a guy whose website looks like this.

Confusing and controversial Jose Mourinho says that the insults aimed at his Inter Milan teenage star Mario Balotelli by Juventus supporters last weekend weren’t racist. He claims they were just ‘ignorant.’ I didn’t know that there was intelligent racism. I learn something new every day.

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Blah, Blah, Blah



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Sorry that we’ve been away for a few days. An illness crept over the Natural Hat Trick offices and we were forced to take a few days off. But we’re back to discuss the news of the football world. And boy is there a lot of talking going on. The usual suspects are involved, as well as some surprising newcomers. And we hoped that you missed us a little bit.

No stranger to the headlines, Alex Ferguson has some things on his mind and he’s going to share them with everyone. Most of the explaining has to do with Manchester United’s dreadful showing in the FA Cup. The supporters are holding Dimitar Berbatov responsible, but Fergie says not so fast. He’s feels the Wembley pitch was more to blame for United’s inept play, and old foe Arsene Wenger agrees with him. What is the world coming to?

The Professor doesn’t agree with Sir Alex’s war of words with Rafa Benitez. The Frenchman believes it should stop and they both need to be quiet. Isn’t that ironic? The pot never seems to tire of calling the kettle black.

Speaking of things that remind me of pots, ‘Facts’ Benitez made headlines this week for not going to a press conference. They truly have become must-see-TV. Luckily for quote starved reporters, assistant Sammy Lee was able to fill in most ably.

If one is to believe The Sun, Middlesbrough manager Gareth Southgate has called out Alan Shearer. I’ve read the quote, and it seems as if The Sun has made something out of nothing. Shocking I know.

It appears that Fulham’s strong season has gone to Chairman Mohamed Al-Fayed’s head. It seems the only thing keeping the Cottagers from becoming the ‘Manchester United of the South’ has been the ‘donkeys’ running the FA. He does invite them to Harrods for lunch so he can serve them for some homegrown stag’s testicles. Now who could refuse that offer?

Joey Barton’s in trouble? Nobody’s favorite bad boy was ticketed recently for not paying his train fare. What a donkey.

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Managerial Tales



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arsenealex

Football managers are special people. One moment they’re defending a completely shitty striker, the next they’re complaining how the schedule is unfair to their club. Basically they’ll say whatever’s necessary to deflect criticism from themselves and their teams. And with this being a Champions League week and the announcement of the PFA awards in England, mangers are double-talking out of both sides of their mouths at a furious rate.

Arsene Wenger is so adept at finding slights around every corner, he should really become a professor and teach a class on the subject. After hearing that five out of the six finalists for the PFA Player of the Year are from Manchester United, the Arsenal gaffer believes that the voting comes too early in the season.  He claims it only rewards those that play well early in the season, and not down the stretch when it matters. That must be the reason why his astonishing young Gooners weren’t nominated for anything. But the old guy isn’t done. He also demands that Arsenal supporters get off their duffs and make the Emirates a fortress. A man can dream can’t he?

Longtime nemesis Alex Ferguson doesn’t necessarily disagree with the Professor’s assertion that the PFA voting may come a tad early. But that doesn’t prevent him from naming Nemanja Vidic his choice for the award and taking a shot at the Frenchman. But Arsene shouldn’t be upset at the dig, Fergie also dished out a little friendly reminder to Cristiano Ronaldo to play better.

What’s that? That’s the sound of another old man from Real Madrid claiming that a secret deal is completed to bring Ronaldo to the Bernabéu. I may not be Spanish but I thought a secret is when not everyone knows something and you don’t hold a press conference to announce it. But that’s just me.

What isn’t a secret is that Newcastle’s nightmare of Championship football is closer to becoming a reality. Ex-Newcastle goalkeeper Shay Given thinks that Alan Shearer’s the man to keep them up, but fears he won’t have enough time to save them. I’m sure that the fans are happy to hear that you’re rooting for them after you ran away to Manchester City.

Whatever happens in Newcastle won’t affect Shearer’s legend status. Too bad Bayern München manager Jurgen Klinsmann isn’t getting the same support in Germany.

It you can’t beat ‘em, have ‘em overturn the result. Realizing that they’re probably never going to play in Europe again, Leeds United are asking UEFA to overturn their 1973 European Cup Winners’ Cup final loss to AC Milan. Leeds claims the match was fixed. There’s only one thing to say to that: Get over it, you sad bastards.

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Love And Happiness



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algreen2

‘You be good to me, I’ll be good to you…Walk away with victory.’ Al Green sang those lyrics in his classic song ‘Love and Happiness.’ If I didn’t know he was talking about loving his lady, I’d think he’s singing about footballers. How many times do we hear players talk about being happy at their clubs or how they can feel the love from the fans? Then more often than not they take the money and leave.

Alan Shearer is known for his willingness to speak his mind, and he wasn’t shy in sharing his displeasure with Obafemi Martins’ last minute withdrawal for Saurdurday’s match against Stoke. While some are reporting it to be the end of Martins’ career at Newcastle, others are saying it’s no big deal.

Over at Old Trafford, we won’t have to worry about wunderkind Federico Macheda becoming too big for his britches. It seems everyone from captain Gary Neville to backup goalkeeper Ben Foster will make sure he knows his place. And if that doesn’t work, he’s always free to feel the wrath of Fergie. But he’ll have to wait in line as Cristiano Ronaldo is the latest to displease the boss man. And he’s attempting to piss off Porto as well.

While much is being made about the future of Roman Pavlyuchenko at Tottenham, apparently all he has to do to make Harry Redknapp happy is learn English. After seven months in England, the Russian hasn’t learned any English at all. I don’t understand all the fuss, a lack of English hasn’t kept Harry Redknapp from a successful English career.

Looks like Franck Ribery is Barcelona bound. At least that’s according to Bayern München teammate Mark van Bommel. And I’m sure that’s the last we’ll hear about Ribery leaving Bayern this summer. I wonder if Franck’s getting as upset at all the transfer gossip as David Silva?

Good for John Terry. While he might never get over missing that penalty kick in Moscow, he says he and the rest of Chelsea have finally gotten over Jose Mourinho. It’s all about Guus Hiddink at the west London club these days and they want him to stay. And it looks like Mother Guus doesn’t have much choice in the matter.

What would a derby day in Rome be without a little butt slashing? I think those Ultras definitely could use some love and happiness.

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Zen And The Art Of Football



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Psychiatrist and influential thinker Carl Jung once said to a patient, ‘Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.’ Don’t mean to be all Zen, but it’s a rare moment when a young, unbelievably wealthy football player takes a moment of self-reflection. Of course we know that’s not what going on in the papers today. They’re just talking the time to speak highly about themselves and poorly about others. But you have to admit, it’s a good quote.

One man who could use a good psychiatrist is Adriano. After issuing a statement yesterday that he was, in fact, very much alive, he’s now decided to take a break from football. According to his Brazilian doctor, the situation has been on ‘knife-edge’ for some time. I’m sure the nightclubs of Brazil are the perfect place to clear one’s head.

At least Cristiano Ronaldo doesn’t have any worries about keeping his head on straight. That’s because he has ‘honest’ Alex Ferguson to keep him in line. Speaking about his retirement the old straight shooter also admitted that Jose Mourinho or, can you believe it, Arsene Wenger would be a good choice to succeed him. And no, he didn’t mention ‘Facts’ Benitez as a possible successor.

I don’t think Lassana Diarra would agree with Sir Alex that Arsene Wenger would make a good replacement. Lass claims that Wenger taught him nothing and that he has blacked out his time with the Gooners. That’s good, because most of the Arsenal fans have tried to do the same.

I guess it’s that outspoken confidence that Harry Redknapp liked about Lass at Portsmouth. The Spurs boss claims that chunky Tom Huddlestone could be the next Glenn Hoddle, but he needs to be louder on the pitch. Let’s just hope that as he finds his voice he doesn’t become too much like Hoddle.

This can’t be a good sign. Messiah #2 Alan Shearer is finding out that life as a manager is a very time consuming job. And they thought he had the managerial acumen to keep them from relegation. There’s nothing like placing your hopes in the hands of someone learning on the fly to ensure disappointment. Wow, that was almost Jungian.

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Shearer Scores Again



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He’s currently the manager, but he still might be their best player. Watch Alan Shearer score yet another goal for Newcastle…albeit in an open training session.

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They’re Back



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poltergeist

Now that the pesky business of qualifying for the big dance has been put on hold for a couple of months, we’re back to league football. But the memories and injuries of the past ten days are still fresh in our minds—and in the sports pages.

One story that has carried on far too long is Frank Lampard’s assertion that today’s younger players are too pampered. And while his cousin Jamie Redknapp agrees with him, PFA chief Gordon Taylor and England U-21 captain Nedum Onuoha most certainly don’t. Can’t we reach a compromise and conclude that everyone who plays football professionally is overly compensated and cleaning a few boots isn’t going to change anything.

In another story that perhaps you might have heard about, Mr. Newcastle, Messiah #2, Alan Shearer is returning to save Newcastle. But like most deities, his stay is only for a short time. That’s not good news for Michael Owen, who said he would definitely stay at the club if the Great One (#2) returned as manager.

Poor Mark Hughes. It seems the only time he or Manchester City make the headlines something bad has happened. And this time isn’t any different. England’s most expensive signing Robinho was injured during Brazil’s 3-0 win over Peru yesterday. I’m sure he’ll probably have to stay in Brazil a little while longer for some beach therapy.

Former Manchester United teammate Steve Bruce can feel his pain. His two Egyptian internationals, Mido and Amr Zaki return to Wigan in full health, but with unhealthy feelings about each other. It seems while away Mido accused Zaki of spreading rumors about him. Hopefully it doesn’t carry over onto the pitch, unlike certain German internationals.

In case anyone cares, ‘Facts’ Benitez was going to quit Liverpool before signing his new contract. But then he got his way and a bag full of money, and he gets to remain comedic fodder for this website.

Just because. Indian conglomerate Tata has denied interest in becoming Manchester United’s shirt sponsor. Maybe they want be splashed across the chest of one of the new Women’s Professional Soccer teams. Seriously folks, I’ll be here all week.

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High Hopes



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pieinthesky

Judging by all the alleged bad behavior in the news today, it seems as if everyone’s itching for the international break to be over. I know I am. Don’t get me wrong, I love international competition, but watching Germany beat up on Lichtenstein isn’t exactly must see TV.

Captain Barry Ferguson and keeper Allan McGregor have been axed from the Scotland team for today’s match against Iceland. The two decided to get over Scotland’s 3-0 drubbing by Holland the only way a Scotsman could get over it—by having an all night drinking session. I’m just surprised it was only the two of them and not the entire squad who had a few too many. But it appears that George Burley has had a change of heart and has reinstated them.

They might not be drinking, but sad sack Newcastle supporters are punch drunk on love over the arrival of messiah #2 Alan Shearer. The replacement messiah has never managed, but is expected to save Newcastle from relegation. And to help him out, he’s tagged less-than-impressive Iain Dowie to be his second in command. My advice to the Toon Army—brace yourself for the Championship.

Another club with their feet planted fully on the ground, Tottenham, have released photos of the new stadium. They’re so excited that chairman Daniel Levy insists that the stadium will be filled to capacity. And it must be special because Spur-for-life-because-he-can’t-play-elsewhere Robbie Keane gives it a thumbs-up.

Say it ain’t so, Djibril Cisse. Natural Hat Trick’s favorite French fashion plate has been accused of assaulting a woman at a strip club. Of course his spokesman has come out and said it isn’t true. I want to believe him and it’s just another reason why international breaks are bad. Perhaps he needs to sign a charter of good behavior like the rest of his fellow countrymen.

In the latest installment of will he or won’t he leave, Franck Ribery has signed a new boot contract with Nike. Since Bayern München is an Adidas sponsored club, paranoid Bayern supporters are taking this as a sign that he will leave to play for a Nike team such as Barcelona or Manchester United. Not that football fans read too much into little things.

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