Who knew APOEL was good?

So what? I stand by yesterday’s picks. I went a respectable 4-4. It’s not like you lost money (not that we support gambling—Ed.) So I’m back today to give you a remarkable EIGHT winners.

Liverpool v Debreceni VSC: Newly wealthy Liverpool hosts the Hungarian champions. I’d be lying if I said that I knew anything about Debreceni VSC (like you do). I do know the last time they played in England—against Manchester United—they lost 3-0. Sounds about right to me. The Stevie Gs 3 – Galloping Goulashes 0.

Lyon v Fiorentina: This should be a battle. Lyon is in the Champions League for the tenth season in a row. Fiorentina has only lost once in eight road matches in European competition, but leading goal scorer Adrian Mutu is doubtful. Lyonnais 0 – Purple Rain 0.

Dynamo Kiev v FC Rubin Kazan: Kazan, the Russian champions, take on the team that’s home to the ghost of Andriy Shevchenko. Kiev has never lost at home to a Russian team in the Champions League. That’s good enough for me. And bonus bet—the ghost gets one. Shevchenkos 3 – Rubin (hold the mustard) 2.

Stuttgart v Rangers: These two aren’t strangers, they’ve faced each other in the Champions League in 03/04 and 07/08. Rangers have some injuries, but you know they’ll play hard. I just think Stuttgart has a little too much class in the form of Mario Gomez. Das Porches 1 – Haggis Eaters 0.

Sevilla v Unirea Urziceni: It’s too bad that the Romanian club, from a town of 17,000, is in the same group as Sevilla, Stuttgart and Rangers. Obviously it would be easy to say Unirea are guaranteed to finish bottom of the group, but APOEL showed us yesterday what a scrappy team can do to a Spanish giant. I don’t think it will happen two days in a row. Serrano Hams 3 – Rocking Romanians 0.

Olympiacos v AZ Alkmaar: Just days after parting company with coach Temuri Ketsbaia, Olympiacos take on the Dutch champions. Historically teams from Holland have trouble scoring against the Greek giants—netting only once in eight games. Opas! 1 – Koeman’s Heroes 0.

Standard de Liege v Arsenal: Spineless UEFA decided to rescind Eduardo’s diving suspension, so he’s available. That’s good news for Arsenal who have a slew of injuries, including keeper Manuel Almunia, which means untested Vito Mannone will be between the sticks. They should still handle the Belgian champs. Moules et frites 1 – Wenger’s Baby Boys 4.

Inter Milan v Barcelona: The match of the day brings Zlatan Ibrahimovic back to his old stomping ground and pits Samuel Eto’o against his former club. Throw in a dash of Jose Mourinho and you’ve got drama. Mourinho’s Men 1 – Pep’s Powerhouse 2.

You can bet your balls that the Drunk's got picks.

So you may be wondering where I’ve been, and the answer is a little place called none-of-your-g*d-damn-business. Actually after giving you so many winners last year, I decided to take a rest from being the best handicapper on the web Natural Hat Trick. So instead of giving you just three money picks, I’m going to give you the result of all eight of today’s matches. Bold I know, but then again I am The Drunk. Let’s hit it.

Juventus v Bordeaux: The Old Lady seems to be back with three wins in three Serie A matches so far. Les Girondins won Ligue 1 last season and are off to a good start as well. Juve is without midfield star Diego and Bordeaux have never won in Italy. Not gonna happen today either. Foot Locker Salesmen 1 – Winemakers 0.

Bayern Munchen v Maccabi Haifa FC: In what should be one of the more interesting matches today, the German giants travel to Israel for Maccabi Haifa’s first home Champions League match. Expect the crowd to be a little more than into it. After a slow Bundesliga start, Bayern has got it rolling—especially new addition Arjen Robben. Expect a back and forth match. Die Weisswursts 2 – The Greens 1.

Wolfsburg v CSKA Moscow: Another promising match pits last year’s Bundesliga champions against perennial Russian power CSKA. Both have new coaches and have gotten off to slow league starts. CSKA players have more international experience and play well on the road in European competition. Der Volkswagens 0 – Ramos’ Russians 1.

Besiktas v Manchester United: Last year’s runners up start the competition with a trip to Istanbul, never an easy place to play. It should be a tough test for the English champions, but they should have enough class to withstand the pressure. Interesting better’s note, the last time Wayne Rooney faced Besiktas goalkeeper Rüstü Recber he scored a hat trick. Post-Ronaldos 2 – Besiktas 0.

FC Zürich v Real Madrid: In what should be the mismatch of the day, the Galacticos Part 2 should run all over the overmatched alpine boys. And we know if they don’t the white hankies will be out in full force. Even Zurich manager Bernard Challandes is preparing for the worst. He’s already talking about his players getting excited to swap shirts with Madrid’s stars. This one’s over at half. Superstars of Spain 4 – Swiss Missers 0.

Olympique de Marseille v AC Milan: A rematch of the 1993 Champions League final, Milan has fallen a long way since those early 90s glory days. After getting embarrassed by rivals Inter Milan and weakly drawing at lowly Livorno, Milan (and Ronaldinho) must prove they’re not over the hill. Marseille are no push over, especially at the Velodrome. Sad stat for Milan—Pato is the only one to score for them this season. Ouch. Velodromers 1 – Bocce Boys 0.

Chelsea v FC Porto: The last time we saw Chelsea in this competition, they failed to hold on to a one goal lead with a man advantage in the Champions League semi-final and then proceeded to lose their sh*t. Offender number one Didier Drogba will be sitting this one out, but it shouldn’t affect the London club. Porto is always a tough out in this tournament, but look for the Blues to control this match. True Sportsmen 3 – Poor Portuguesers 1.

Atletico Madrid v. APOEL FC: Did you know APOEL are the champions of Cyprus? Isn’t that good for them? As always, Atletico is a team in turmoil, but Diego Forlan and Kun Aguero should be enough to beat APOEL on their own. Mattress Makers 3 – Cyprians 0.

They don’t let me normally do a Daily Thought, but I think that’s because I rarely wake up before three in the afternoon—which they claim is too late to do this column. But since St. Patrick’s Day is the only holiday I celebrate, I’ve been up early and I’m full of corned beef, Guinness and, of course, the great Jameson whiskey. So normally these pansies do a cute intro to their little news rundowns, but the Drunk says “F*ck that.” Here’s my intro: Why the f*ck are you reading this column and not drunk off your ass?

I can respect Alex Ferguson not wanting to talk to the Press after getting his ass handed to him by that fat bastard Benitez and Liverpool on Saturday. It was such an ass kicking that even Professor Wenger came to his defense.

Meanwhile, Mr. Too-Good-For-England, but apparently not good enough for Spurs, Roman Pavlyuchenko has been dropped to the reserves. I just love it when a man’s ego gets handed to him in a lady’s handbag. He might look drunk but Harry Redknapp knows a crap player when he sees one.

Speaking of other foreign pretty boys not cutting it in the Premiership, it seems Mark Hughes has run out of patience with Robinho. Hughes is threatening to bench him in favor of Martin Petrov. And he thought riding the pine at Real Madrid was insulting.

Of course crybaby strikers don’t just ply their trade in the Premiership. He might be too old to be great, but David Trezeguet isn’t too old to throw a tantrum when being substituted. I don’t understand wusses who complain when the get subbed off with ten minutes to go when they didn’t do sh*t the first eighty. Guess that’s why the Drunk was a hard ass (aka dirty) holding midfielder.

At least there’s one forward in this column that isn’t whining. Aston Villa’s Gabby Agbonlahor hasn’t scored in seven matches and was booed during their last match, but has vowed to win back the fans by scoring. Go figure, a well-compensated player taking responsibility and not blaming others. What is the world coming to? Gabby you are now a Drunk favorite. Congratulations.

It's all about the boots.

In times gone by, a second leg all-or-nothing Champions League clash between massive clubs such as Manchester United and Inter Milan would be an event all its own. But in today’s world, it’s an excuse for Nike marketing executives to introduce their latest boot—the Nike Mercurial Vapor Superfly. I truly hope the match provides more talking points than Ronaldo and Ibrahimovic’s new boots.

I don’t remember my picks record. (I’m sure some of you more industrious types will decide to look it up and let me know.) Regardless of what it stands at, I know I’m good. I know I’m good because my bookie won’t call me back. And if he’s not looking for me, that means he doesn’t want me to take anymore money from him. So here we go with picks on a rather unexciting Champions League Tuesday.

Rejuvenated Chelsea goes to Italy to finish off a Juventus team that still hasn’t fully recovered from their match-fixing punishment of a couple of years ago. Didier Drogba is happy because Guus Hiddink is ignoring him, but playing him. I can understand. It’s exactly what I wanted from my ex-wife–no conversation but plenty of action. He gets another goal today.
The pick: Chelski 1 – Juv-got-no-chance 0

The question in the Real Madrid v. Liverpool match isn’t who’s advancing, it’s whether or not Liverpool will do anything besides sit back and defend. We know Madrid has no pace or creativity to break down a defense, so expect a snoozer.
The pick: No Respect Rafas 0 – Maybe Next Year Madrid 0

Villarreal v. Panathinaikos will actually be the only entertaining affair of the day. Expect plenty of fireworks on the pitch and more fire in the stands. Villarreal seems to have more talent available, but Pana is the Drunk’s team of destiny.
The pick: Opas 2 – El Submarino Amarillo 1

And of course I’m not giving a pick for Bayern München v. Sporting. It was 5-0 in the opening leg. As Sporting coach Paulo Bento honestly put it, “The outcome of this round is already certain.”

The Drunk is a fighter, and an o-fer day isn’t going to deter him from making picks. Sure there’s been a lot of bravado in this space recently, but I’m back today to set things right. And for those of you who blame me for lost money, you shouldn’t be gambling anyway.

We’re not sure how Panathinaikos got to this stage of the tournament, but they’re here and Villarreal is glad to host them. They’ve never won in Spain and today isn’t the day to end that streak.
The pick: Yellow Submarine 2 – Random Guys from Greece 0

Didier Drogba expects his team to score four goals against Juventus. That’s not going to happen, but you can’t hate a man for being optimistic. The Blues have a new man in charge and a new attitude, while Juve have only won twice in their last five
The pick: Chelski 1 – Juve 0

Bayern may only sit fourth in the Bundesliga but they have been on fire in the Champions League–accumulating 14 points in the group stage. Combine that form with the anger from losing at home to Cologne over the weekend and you have some dangerous Germans. Sporting is just happy to be here.
The pick: Lederhosen 1 – Lisbians 0

Two massive clubs, star players, blah, blah, blah. The only important factor is whether or not Steven Gerrard plays. As of this time we don’t know, but I’ll just assume Captain Liverpool suits it up. Expect a game full of missed chances and repeated shots of Arjen Robben on the ground.
The pick: Red Shirts 0 – White Shirts 0

After another week of winners takes my overall record to seven and two, I hope that everyone knows by now that The Drunk is no fluke. In fact, I am the Special One of picks. And since this is the first leg of the knockout stage of the Champions League, I hope that those of you not on the bandwagon get over yourselves and realize I’m putting money in your pocket. I am a one man bailout. Now excuse me while I look for a black coat and scarf to complete my Special ensemble.

Let’s just get it out of the way–Atlético Madrid vs. FC Porto. You don’t care, I don’t care. Neither one is winning this competition. But there will be some talent on the pitch and neither plays great defense, so there should at least be some goals.
The pick: The Other Madrid 2 – Portuguese Punters 1

In the easiest match to pick, Barcelona is going to beat Lyon. Both are top of their respective leagues by a good margin and both have been resting players. The difference is that one squad is among the best in the world, while the other is the best in France. And Barca shouldn’t be too happy after losing to their bottom-feeding rivals Espanyol this weekend.
The pick: Pep’s Powerhouse 3 – The Best Team in France (woo-hoo) 0

Arsenal hosts Roma in a battle of teams whose seasons haven’t gone as planned. And just like their seasons, this game is a case of good news/bad news. For the Gunners, the good news is that they’re unbeaten in their last 25 European home games; the bad news is that all of their good players are injured. Totti returns for i Giallorossi, which is always good news for Roma, the bad is that they have lost their last five visits to England.
The pick: Nil, nil to the Arsenal

In case you been in a coma and haven’t noticed, Inter Milan is hosting Manchester United. Every news media outlet has played and replayed every quote, stat and nugget of ‘useful’ expert analysis so many times that I don’t have to bore you with them. Look, it’s really the only game anyone is going to really watch today.
The pick:  Men from Manchester 1 – The Milan Team Beckham Doesn’t Play For 0

These picks are money in the bank.

Another week of picks and another week of winners. As one who loves to toot his own horn, The Drunk is proud to announce that he is now five for six with his picks. And for those who pay attention to this sort of thing, I also correctly predicted the goal differential of each match. Not one to rest on my laurels though, I put my sterling reputation on the line as I give you three more winners. Don’t thank me, just buy me a whiskey.

Down in south-west Germany, Stuttgart has long been the dominant club of the region, but new boys Hoffenheim are looking to change that. Leaders at the winter break, Hoffenheim have lost leading scorer Vedad Ibisevic for the season due to injury and now sit in second place. Stuttgart started the season slowly, but has come on strong since the appointment of new coach Markus Babbel, going unbeaten since November. This will be a barn-burner, and we know Jens Lehmann will be fired up.
The pick: The Hoffs 2 – Mercedes Men 1

The heat will be on both teams when Sevilla host Atletico Madrid. Sevilla may sit in third place, but the fans and the press haven’t been too happy as they’ve lost three out of their last four. Meanwhile, new coach Abel Resino has seemed to revitalize los colchoneros. Atletico has drawn and won since his arrival, putting them back in contention for a Champions League spot. Only five points separate these two, with the loser staring at a long, question-filled week.    The pick: Anxious Andalucían’s 3 – The Capital’s Other Team 2

We end the weekend with a battle of two teams who find themselves in unfamiliar positions. Aston Villa is flying high, sitting in third place, and are within touching distance of the Champions League. Chelsea is fourth and slipping. New coach Guus Hiddink hopes to work some of his Dutch black magic on a squad that seems a shell of its former self. A win for Villa will put them five points in front of Chelsea, while a loss in Hiddink’s debut could be the final nail in the Blues’ coffin.
The pick: Chelski 3 – Everyone’s New Favorite Team 1

It's Derby Day!

I love being right. I also love the feeling of money in my pocket and pride in my chest. Last week I gave you three picks, and they were all right. If you didn’t believe in The Drunk last week, now’s your chance to get on the bandwagon. And this is a special week, as I pick three of the largest derbies in the world. Pay attention because here come three more winners.

Let’s start off in Scotland. The land that gave us whisky and Sean Connery also gives us one of the most intense rivalries in all of sport. That’s right; we’re talking Rangers vs. Celtic. To say there is no love lost between these two would be an insult to both supporters. This is hatred and for the top of the league. Both have been inconsistent but Rangers has shown a little more form as of late.
The pick: Pickled Protestants 2 – Crocked Catholics 1

The next one is for all the tulips. Ajax host Feyenoord. This is a battle of opposites. Liberal, cultured Amsterdam battles blue-collar, conservative Rotterdam. Normally this game is for more than pride, but this season Feyenoord sits in 12th place and nineteen points behind Ajax. That should make for an extra feisty match.
The pick: The Stoners 3 – Racists from Rotterdam 1

We’ll end our derby day in Milan. They share a city, a stadium and not much else. AC Milan may be the club of superstars, but Inter has won the past three Scudettos. Milan may have Beckham, but they won’t have Kaka for this match.
The pick: Mourinho’s Maulers 1 – Beckham’s Boys 0

Gambling is as much a part of sports as drinking. I wouldn’t be The Drunk if I didn’t drain (I mean, sip responsibly) a bottle of Jameson now again, and I also wouldn’t be The Drunk if I didn’t gamble. So, for those of you who enjoy legal wagering or making non-monetary bets with friends, I am going to provide you with three picks a week. I call them my Winners of the Week.

We’re going to start in the Bundesliga. Saturday, Schalke 04 host their rivals Werder Bremen in a battle of two teams whose seasons have gone down the shitter. Both were pre-season favorites who now find themselves stuck in mid-table mediocrity. Bremen is missing leading goal scorer Claudio Pizzaro and midfield maestro Diego.
The pick: These Krauts (Schalke 04) 2 – Those Krauts (Werder Bremen) 1

Next up is Manchester City hosting Middlesboro. Boro is in serious trouble, and that’s putting it lightly. Gareth Southgate has been given the dreaded vote of confidence, players are unsettled, and fans actually want Stevie Mac back. Wait, that’s not trouble, that’s purgatory. City looks like a model of stability compared to that lot, and has enough talent to make Southgate’s seat a little hotter.
The Pick: The Raping Robinho’s 1 – Southgate’s Strugglers 0

And finally, we go to the north Moscow, er, London derby. While not making much noise on the pitch, these two clubs have dominated the transfer window headlines. Now that Arsenal has gotten their Russian, and all wayward Spurs have returned home, this should prove to be as exciting as their last meeting – and leave both managers with something to complain about.
The Pick: Arsene’s Teenage Fanclub 2 – Harry’s Happy Family Reunion 2