Only Fools and Horses

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It’s Thursday, that cruelest of days. My brain is completely frazzled from the work week and I can almost taste the weekend and all the whiskey that comes with it. Unfortunately, there’s still that matter of making it through Friday. Thankfully today’s news from the world of football is a wonderful cornucopia of animal therapy, questionable fashion choices and dodgy decision making. It’s the perfect antidote for my end of the week blues.

Paul Gascoigne should have been a veterinarian. Yesterday, we reported that when the Gazza was at his worst he spoke to and drank with fake parrots. Today, the Crying One tells how talking to horses helped him get over booze. He didn’t mention if the horse helped the parrots.

Nicklas Bendtner isn’t the only one pretty in pink at the Emirates. Keeper Manuel Almunia, he of the bleached blond locks, was spotted yesterday walking his dog with a pink leash. The pup was also kept warm by a little pink jacket. I just hope that it was his girlfriend who dressed the dog. And for that matter, I hope she’s the one that talked him into that stupid haircut.

Meanwhile, Blackburn striker Jason Roberts has been accused of hitting a teenage Coventry fan after their FA Cup loss to the Sky Blues. There hasn’t been any comment from Big Sam yet, but I’m sure he’s wondering where that fighting spirit was on the pitch.

Don’t get me wrong, going after a fan is unacceptable, but it’s less detrimental to the team than battling your teammate. North London’s favorite defensive duo is at it again. Reports have been circulating that William Gallas and Kolo Toure have never and will never enjoy each other’s company. Maybe Gallas doesn’t understand why Toure wants to be the last one on the pitch when it’s obviously better to be the last one to leave.

Chelsea’s other Ivory Coast striker, Salomon Kalou, has expressed his desire to join the Gunners. Not only does he enjoy the way they play, he also has many friends on the squad–including Kolo Toure. Maybe he can bring some of that Chelsea team spirit with him.

Sparky Hughes sees team bonding differently. He’s actually encouraging his Manchester City team to shout at each other. He claims the team is too quiet and needs to be more like Craig Bellamy. Next on the City training regimen is golf club duels at dawn.

While we’re on the subject of fighting, what would a Manchester United trip to Italy be without their fans being attacked by a group of angry Italians? Rome and Milan might not see eye-to-eye on many things, but they both agree on the best way to shank a Manc.

From the it’s-as-obvious-as-an-elephant-in-your-kitchen department, Newcastle managing director Derek Llambias told a fan forum that they’re building for the future. Considering that their recent past and present have been pretty much shit, that’s probably the best way to go.

If they need a player to jump-start the Toon revolution, it’s safe to say that Julien Faubert might be available soon. The winger, who moved from West Ham to Real Madrid, hasn’t been able to get any game action since his move to Spain and doesn’t understand why. If I must be the one to say it, I will. IT’S BECAUSE YOU SUCK. Thanks for listening Julien.

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