Dazed and Confused on President’s Day


Thank you various Presidents for allowing me to celebrate your contributions to America by lying around and watching Maury Povich all day. Thank you for not making me put on pants and not having to shower. And thank you for allowing me to search the Internet all day for the double-talk that is a professional football player and manager’s press conference. It makes the things I say to girls at bars seem like I’m quoting Bible verses.

What kind of weekend would it be if Rafa Benitez weren’t upset about something? Others want to blame his kidney stones for his gruffness this season, but I think it’s menopause. Apparently, when negotiating his new contract, he never asked to be in charge in charge of the transfer budget. And he isn’t going to leave for Real Madrid any time soon. His only concern is that his 12, yes 12, assistants are signed before their contracts are up this summer. With that kind of posse, he’s not a middle-aged woman, he’s a gangster rapper. Or both.

Meanwhile, David Beckham’s campaign to leave the LA Galaxy while still looking like he didn’t come to the US for the money, said yesterday that US football will “continue to grow” without him.

In a total change of pace, Arsene Wenger actually showed some balls in response to Nicklas Bendtner stating that he should play every minute of every game for Arsenal. He might not know how to buy a defender over six feet tall, but The Professor still knows a sh*tty striker when he sees one.

While Wenger may have just recently found his, nobody’s ever accused Alex Ferguson of not having a pair. Even an easy 4-1 victory over Derby couldn’t keep Fergie from giving referee Rob Styles the business. I hope Rafa has his notepad ready to remember the date and time of the incident. He’ll be filing his report at a press conference next week.

And finally, we end at that happiest of places, Stamford Bridge. At least Big Phil wasn’t stretching the truth when he said that the players were against him. Nickolas Anelka is the latest Blues star to step up and take a not-so-subtle swipe at Scolari. After scoring three goals in 20 minutes against that other London powerhouse Watford, Anelka used that performance as proof that he and Drogba can play together. Of course he probably didn’t know that Watford has conceded the most goals in the Championship thus far.

Big Phil might be tired of the piling on, but it shouldn’t be long before he’s in charge of that other BPL happy ship Manchester City.

I thought that after reading all of these reports I would have some coherent theme that tied them together. But it just left me as confused as Gabby Agbonlahor. Good thing the commercial break is over and Maury has another trashy teen cursing out her mother as his next guest.

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